something like neverland

I remember what it was like to be in a perfectly beautiful mess.

Totally tangled up in someone else and not wanting to unravel.  Their existence was the reason I was happy, and at the time everything was perfect.  I look back on it now... My mind wanders.  The feelings I felt were unlike any other I had.  Irrational and impossible.  I never thought I could love someone that much.  I wanted to burst.

And then I remembered.... The fights.  The irrational arguments.  Accusations.  Trust issues.  The typical trials that come from high school love.  I learned so much about myself from loving him and I realize it now more than ever. 


Days have gone by where I realize that I haven't though about him.  He was the one I thought I was going to be missing every day for the rest of my life.  There was a time when I believed that there wasn't going to be much left for me because he was gone.  I let him walk in and out of my life because I believed that he was the only one for me and that there was no way I could ever love anyone that much.

I didn't realize what was around the corner.

You see, without everything I went through, I wouldn't be where I am now.  I wouldn't have the passions and dreams that I have now.  I wouldn't have my life that I have come to love so much.

I don't know if many people understand the reason behind getting the angel wings tattooed on my back.  It's simple really.

I came to a point where I realized that I was relying on someone else for my happiness.  When they weren't there I was alone and sad.  I don't ever want to feel that way again.  To fly on my own, I would need a really good set of wings.  I would need my own set of wings.  Then I could fly as close to the sun as I wanted to.  It was a reminder to not rely on anyone else.  I create my own story, and I want it to have as much happiness as possible.
I attributed the feelings I had with this boy back in the day to the feelings a teenager has in high school...  Hormones are out of control and emotions run wild.  It's the kind of love where you can simply just exist in each other.  The kind of love where you write sappy love songs and poems, and where you celebrate another month of being together with a disgusting display of affection.  For the longest time I believed that I wouldn't have those feelings again because it was a once in a lifetime deal.  It was only going to happen in high school because that's when the high of first love usually hits the hardest.

It doesn't have to be that way.

I realized that it set me up to find what I deserve.  It gave me expectations for how I want to feel and be treated.  Some said I was just following an impossible dream.  That when I grow up I won't ever find those feelings again because it was irrational, complicated, over-dramatic, high school romance.  Give up and settle down for someone that will take care of you.

No.

Who said I have to grow up?  Why do high school kids get all the fun and butterflies?  No thank you.

Seriously.

I want to be loved in a passionate way.  Where that person gets a stupid grin on their face at the very thought of me.  Why do the butterflies and awkward displays of affection have to be reserved for the young ones? 

Just because you grow up, doesn't mean you have to give in.

And let me be perfectly honest here....  I'm never really growing up.  I'm just pretending for the rest of you adults. 

Depths of Romance...

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I am now in a place where people I’ve known and trusted aren’t who they seem. Disguises are being revealed.  The reality of what and who they were didn’t resemble what I knew and understood at the time.  Their particular kind of darkness was still hidden behind a beautiful lie that they put forth. 

Now, following through is more important than making an empty promise….  There was a time when sparks from cigarettes resembled wishes and dreams, exploding in a fictional land where those same dreams and wishes could possibly come true.  A quest for true love began a long time ago in a land not too far away.  A dream once fulfilled has been thrown back into the darkness, just out of reach.  A glimmer in the distance.  Hope seems almost lost, now.

I am suddenly realizing that I have expectations of people. Real friends are taking priority and I am more aware of my feelings and who makes me feel that way. The knife in my back twists as a painful reminder of the toxicity that was left behind from a previous stab.  I have been there so many times before.  Angry tears burning my eyes and running down my face in rivers muddled with mascara.  Tears that shouldn’t be in anyone’s heart, much less pouring in torrents in public. 

We learn from these experiences.  Not one part of our lives is a mistake.  You hear me?  Not one single part.

My heart has been broken many times before and I take the blame for some of those accounts. I trust too easily and fall too hard and fast when I tumble and stumble into the depths of romance. The toes of my shoes are scuffed from the attempts.  Broken and bruised, defeated and dejected, I climb from those depths each time with new battle wounds from wandering down that relatively familiar path - even though it seems to evolve with every step. Each turn takes me somewhere darker and more unknown. The hope for a familiar feeling keeps me motivated to head into the darkness again.  Sometimes I close my eyes and just run.

My heart still beats and remembers when true love had taken it over. Every breath brought butterflies. I was ready to take on the world. I was young and invincible, and knowing that he loved me the way I loved him gave me power. Every time I remember this feeling, this feeling that I can only compare to defying gravity, my heart sings again.  I feel that energy.  I see him when I close my eyes and I feel his breath on my neck the same way I used to when I was wrapped up in his arms.  Sychronized breathing.  Hearts beating in tandem.  You can not write anything more perfect and simple as what we had, even though it felt so complicated at the time.  I can’t think of a single adjective to describe it, because to us it was everything.

It is possible. I know that this feeling is possible. It’s happened before, and it can happen again.

If I knew then what I know now…. I can’t begin to count the number of times I have said that phrase.  But those are all the times that helped me learn who I am and what I can handle.

I’ve been told that not everyone finds prince charming and that I should settle down and stop looking for a fairy tale. But let me let you in on a little secret.

I’ve already started my fairy tale. And I get to decide how it ends.

Irrational Thing Called Love

It's that time of year where everyone goes above and beyond to let their loved ones know that they care.  For us single folk, it can mean one of two things.

We wander down memory lane and think of lovers past and wonder why on earth we walked away

-or-

We reach out to those friends and various other loved ones and let them know how much we care.

Today I did a little of both.

And yes, I am still single.  That little known fact hasn't changed and it feels as though it won't change anytime soon.  Mostly because I'm not ready.

My mind wandered to two Valentine's Days past specifically.  One right after Tegan was born, and I went out for the first time.  My boyfriend treated me like a lady and showed me off, even though I felt fat and like I just had a baby.... Because I really did just have a baby.  He gave me flowers and spent time with me and that was all I wanted in the entire world.  I don't have a picture of Tegan without him from that day.

Another Valentine's Day was from my pre-Florida years.  When I was still young and everything was irrational and over the top.  Simple gestures were not overseen as someone trying to get attention.  They were real and legit, and it was the first time I had experienced any of these things.  The feelings were so intense and I was so passionate about loving this person and everything about them.  I loved them unconditionally.

We spent the night peeling and cooking shrimp for our homemade shrimp Fettichini Alfredo - very romantic, I know.  In reality, we bought the raw shrimp with shells on because it was cheaper.  That part of the night felt like a disaster at the time, but it is one of my fondest memories of this person.  Cooking together in the kitchen and doing the dance you have to do when you are working around someone else's movements...  It was special. 

"We do not remember days.  We remember moments."

There is nothing I regret from either of these nights, and in fact... It reminded me of why I am still single.  Part of why, anyway.

Once upon a time, I lived a fairy tale.  I was loved so passionately and wildly and it was amazing.  I didn't know it at the time, but those simple interactions would shape the kind of love I would search for the rest of my life.  The little things were so special back then because it was the first time I had experienced anything like it.  It was genuine.  Both of us were understanding what true love was about.  We were finding ways to express how much we loved each other.  It didn't require a ring.  It didn't require anything.  We only required each other.

We were so in love we couldn't get enough of each other.  Notes were left to remind the other that in our absence they were still on our mind.  Flowers didn't need to come from a store.  When we were driving he would see a flower, stop the car, pull out his knife, and cut it for me.  It was the thought that really did count.

A touch of the skin would set us on fire. 

Everything was irrational at that age.  We were but teenagers.  Nothing made sense and at the same time it fit together.  Everything was dramatic, and everyone was emotional and egocentric. 

We made the best of what we had.  Spending an entire afternoon laying in the backyard and talking until we realized that the stars had come out to greet us.  Not wanting to be the first one to say goodbye or hang up the phone.  Getting butterflies at the thought or mention of their name.  Doing whatever it would take to be with that person...

Things like that still exist, right?  Or am I totally crazy?

Is this totally irrationally rational love something that only teenagers experience?  Does this kind of modern fairy tale still exist for people like me?

I don't need saving anymore.  I'm not a damsel in distress waiting for prince charming.

I just want to experience the passion of loving someone so fully that you can't wait to see them again...  In a time where minutes, seconds and hours  have no meaning and in a place where distance is a figment of the imagination.

I know there will always be someone in my heart, in one way or another.

.... And his brown boots just keep stomping on.