It's been a while...

I wish I could recap all the things that have happened since my last post, but life moves so fast sometimes and things get missed...

School is awesome. I'm loving my students that I work with about once a week. It makes me really want to do teaching... but massage therapy is in the back of my mind. I don't know if it's the stone therapy, essential oils, or fancy lotions that draw me in.... But time will tell. I do love the idea of influencing young minds though... Tempting... mold them into what I want like a delectable jello? Mmmm.... k.

In other news... Work has been sparatic. Some days are fast, and some are slow... but there are moments that remind me why I'm there and why it isn't something I want to do for the rest of my life. A patient can go down for a simple procedure and not come back. Other patients go home knowing they don't have much time. Others walk out of there better than they walked in... One thing that is drilled into my head is that life is short. Every day, I am reminded that life is too short to worry about every little thing that could go wrong... It's too short to worry about what could or could not happen. Life is there to be lived.

Hope for the best, embrace the unknown, go along for the journey....

The love life is kind of a mess right now. I don't really want to go into a lot of detail about it until it all gets worked out. I will say that Brown Boot walked into my life for a brief moment, and then walked back out like he always does. A simple kiss drew me in again, and then I was pushed away yet again... Like he is trying to keep me dangling right where he can reach me in case he decides he wants to be with me. I offered many things, and it seems like he isn't going to take any of them. He dated someone else after I put myself out there, yet again.

But you know what? I'm not sure if it's from that happening to me so many times with so many other guys - the whole being second choice thing - but I wasn't hurt by it. Maybe he had done it to me so many times. I'm not something that can be tucked away on a shelf. I'm not a jar of strawberry preserves. You can't just stick me on a shelf for years and expect me to be just how you remember. I won't always be there. Someone else will find me and realize that I am delicious, and something that should be enjoyed... Not hidden away. I'm not going to be waiting for you to come and get me whenever you are ready. That's not fair to me. I would much rather be living my life, not waiting around for someone to pull me back in like a damn yo yo.

I'd rather be strawberry wine than strawberry preserves....

When I put myself out there, and you say, "sure, I'll take you on a date! That would be wonderful!"

or maybe you said, "I didn't realize how strong my feelings were for you still... let's take this one day at a time..."

And then not a damn thing happens? SERIOUSLY?! I'm done with guys being all talk. You have to do something about it. You can talk about rainbow farting unicorns that eat a particular kind of string cheese, and I won't believe you until I see a unicorn. Or that particular string cheese. A little more action PLEASE!

I'm tired of guys talking my ear off about what I deserve... I like making plans and talking about places we will go, and actually believing that I will one day go to these places. It gets tiring. I gave him another chance. I put myself out there again. And it went no where.

It's a good thing. From what I can tell, I'm a totally different person than he ever knew. And he is still the same.

Um... But there is someone in my life now. He wears a different kind of shoe. And I know I just went on a rant about guys being all talk, but that's all I really can do with this guy right now. And now that just got taken away. Kind of.

I know none of that made any sense. I know I just kind of contradicted myself there... But it's hard to explain. I have a feeling that we will actually do these things he talks about all the time. I have a feeling. He's my whatever. And I'm his whatever. And I'm not even sure what kind of whatever he is. I do know this... before he left, we talked for hours every night. Tonight will be the first night we haven't talked or had any kind of contact for two months. Sidebar - no physical contact with this person whatsoever. We've met. We've seen each other face to face. We've even talked in person. But never touched. But we talked for hours every night before we went to bed and it was never weird. It was like we had been doing it for years.

But every night before I would go to bed, he would tell me that he hoped he could feel me holding him as I fell asleep. He would wish me sweet dreams and tell me to take care of myself.

I've never missed someone so much, and not actually known what it was like to be next to them. But I can feel him there. He promised me that I would never be alone because he is always with me... And chances are, I won't see him until this spring....

Here's to hoping spring is full of ferry boats... Starbucks, fruit, and muffins in bed... Beach houses.... And a certain someone's arms wrapped around me.

I'll just pretend to hold him until he gets here.

Rain, rain... please stay?

It has been pretty glum the past couple days.

And I LOVE IT.

You heard me. I'll say it again too. I FREAKING LOVE THE RAIN.

I have heard it on my window, and loved it. I have stepped outside to feel it on my face and I loved it. I even took Tegan outside just to let her run around in it and splash in the puddles. And I loved it! She did too. She almost didn't want to come inside.

It reminds me of a simpler time. A time when I lived in Oregon, and I was young, and I played outside all the time. Rain or shine.

I took Tegan outside today, because I realized something... Why am I waiting for the weather to get better? Am I afraid of getter her WET? Heaven forbid. She is into sensing things right now... Rubbing crackers into the carpet, feeling the wind on her face when I drive with the windows down... Dancing to whatever commercial jingle she may hear... Why not let her feel the rain? That girl loves water. And I love it too. I swear, for about ten minutes, all we did was run around outside and splash in puddles together. And feel the rain. It was amazing! I still can't begin to put into words how much I love this little girl. She is amazing.

And on the topic of rain... I talked to Brown Boot for a little bit. Shocker, right?

Yes, I did say that I'm pretty much over and done with him. And I am. I don't feel the same way I did about him, and I will openly admit that. I was in love with the type of relationship we had, and now that I think about it, that relationship wasn't that great. Yes, it was the first time I fell in love... Uncontrollable, irrational, head over heals, this might be true love, high school love. At one point I did think he was the only one for me, and I finally realized that I'm over it. He's a totally different person now.

Anyway... There was this one day that he and I had together, years ago when I went to visit him in Georgia and meet his family. His parents were gone and we were just lounging around, exploring the town. One thing led to another, and we ended up inside his grandparents motorhome. And there was a thunderstorm. You could hear it pounding on the outside of the motorhome, you could feel the thunder and see the lightening flash outside. And it was amazing. (I'm keeping this G rated folks...) I still think of that day when there is a thunderstorm, here and there. I had pushed it out of my mind for a long time, because I didn't want to think of him in terms like that... Now he is only a memory. Well, we are only a memory.

We started talking because I posted something on my facebook about hearing the rain on my window... and he laughed. I had a feeling that I knew why he laughed.... Because he remembered that day... and he must think about it too. I never believed that I haunted him the way he haunted me... I thought maybe he did, and it would be nice if he did, but I didn't want to know if he did or not because I knew that would make getting over him harder. (It makes sense to me and one day kids, it will make sense to you too.)

Anyway, he's headed off on another adventure to chase some girl. The same girl he went on his motorcycle adventure with. This is the second girl he has chased since he and I were "we". That I know of. Which brings me to something else....

Why didn't he ever chase me? Did he not love me enough? I never realized that he actually didn't chase after me. In fact, he was running away from me. And chasing after girls that were exactly like me.

It honestly doesn't matter anymore. He'll always have a part of my heart that is dedicated to young love, but I know we won't be together again. It all just made me think.

And it made me want to tell him to not go. Which is not my place. At all. And it's not because I would want to tell him to stay and be with me, because I don't want that. It's not because I want to hold him back from anything, because I don't want that either. I never did. I was all for pushing him out there to do what he wanted to do.

It's because I want him to be happy. To be his own person, and live his own life with out being a part of something. To live HIS life. But I can't say that. I can't tell him, because I don't know him like I used to anymore, and he would get the wrong idea.

Here's to hoping he figures it out for himself.... Good luck Brown Boot. I hope you don't need it.


(This is not, in any way, my way of taking shots at him. Just so you know. I think he's an amazing person, and wish him all the best in his adventures... even though he may never see this. I just wanted to make sure YOU didn't get the wrong idea. Whoever "you" are.)

So this is the New Year?

I'm liking the New Year so far! Yeah, it's only day two... But we need to start off positive. Right? Right.

Look at me? Posting a blog within a week of the last one! I'm amazingly amazing. Go 2010!

Did you say that, "two thousand ten" or "twenty ten"? Like it matters. Potato, potahto.

I've been so great at taking a little me time every night before I go to bed. It has really helped a lot. It makes me feel like I have myself back, if that makes sense. I'm also making my bed in the morning and straightening up my room. It's a self esteem boost... And if I do it, it makes it easier to do it for my patients when I go into their room... Because little things like that seem to help. But you don't know until you do it.

Let's see... What else....

Ah! I recently sent a ridiculous post to Zach Braff on Facebook. Pretty funny actually. Something about how we should get hitched and that I meant it in a not creepy way. But I said something about it on Facebook one day and decided I had to go through with it to see if he would even say it. Guaranteed he won't say, "Heck yes! That would be amazing! You are the exact woman I've been looking for!" But you never know unless you try. Seriously. I did it. You can look it up and see. If he even acknowledges my existence.... But it would be pretty cool if he said something.

On the note of being with someone and getting hitched...

Not happening any time soon. Got your hopes up? Maybe? If it did, you haven't been reading my posts very well... Go back this instant! Or something.

No, but seriously.... My mind is totally conflicted on the subject. As much as I would love to spend the rest of my life with someone and feel loved, I don't feel like it will happen any time soon. I'm not ready. I want to be, and I want to find someone I'm head over heels for, and maybe that will happen one day, but I don't feel it right now. I feel like I'm madly in love with someone that doesn't even exist anymore. And, yes... I still think about this same freaking person every freaking day at least once. And it still hurts.

But my heart is still beating and I'm still breathing... So that must mean that there is something better for me out there. If not, that's okay too. At least once upon a time I was loved the way I wanted to be loved. I'm one of the lucky ones that got to have it once. That's the whole reason I still wear the ring. Yeah it makes me think of him, but it makes me think more of the way that he loved me. I'm not wearing it in an obsessive way. I'm not wearing it because there is no need to waste diamonds. I'm wearing it because when I get sad and I feel totally alone, I look at it and remember the good things. I remember holding someone and never wanting to let go. I remember the emotions that came with wanting to spend forever with someone, a certain someone. Knowing a love like the love I knew once upon a time should be enough.

So here's the thing with the battle in my head... I want all that feeling and emotion back. I don't want all the crap I had before. I don't want to put myself through all that again, because it hurts worse than any other pain I felt before. Losing it once, sucks. Really bad. But at one point you get used to it and just let it be. You get used to hoping for the best and expecting the worst. Which isn't always a bad thing. The thought of being with a certain someone makes my heart soar. But at the same time... I want to know I can be on my own when I need to be. I know I don't need someone else. But I want someone there so badly.

I was literally sobbing in my car on the way home the other night. A song came on and just triggered something on the drive home, and before I knew it, tears were streaming down my face. His brown boots had come stomping through my head again, and he was stuck in there. He's been tromping around ever since.

I want happily ever after now. Not in a few years. I'm tired of waiting for it to come my way. I don't want to date anymore. It sucks. Big time. I want to be to the part where someone is in my bed every night and no matter how hot it gets, we are totally intertwined all night long. I want someone that smiles when they see me every morning, and someone that makes my heart skip beats, in a good way. Someone who cares for me and shows it. Someone that makes me forget Brown Boot, or Brown Boot himself. But I need to make sure I can be happy alone too... And right now I seem to be doing okay....

So do I overly focus on myself? Do I take a bunch of credit hours and focus on work and school and the baby? Happily ever after will come when it's time for me to have it, I guess... But I can't make myself too unavailable, because then it will never happen.

I'm just tired of hurting every day... It doesn't help that I met a bunch of his fraternity friends on New Year's that my person and her manly man hosted. It was a great party, and I had a lot of fun... And every one kept talking about how great he was and how he is such a good guy... And they kept asking me what went wrong and what it was like to be with him... And that just got me going again. It was amazing to be with him, and I don't know what went wrong.... But to be with him for the rest of my life? To be with someone like him even? I'd give almost anything... If we could be together and happy. That's all I want. Is happiness.

The party was good too... I had a lot of fun with my person and all the friends that they had there. It was so good to get out and be me for one night. I don't get out much... I work and take care of the little one. And I love it. But once in a while, I need me time, and time with friends. Balance is key.

So here are the resolutions for this next year... or for the rest of my life, really.

Focus on happiness

Find "true love" once again

Make sure I get "me" time

Get enough time with Tegan

Move out

Work on school

Never forget what happiness really is...

I miss him like crazy still... How many years now? Seriously? Make it stop. I start of yet another New Year with him on the brain... and in that sense, it's just like every other year since I've known him. I can hear that song by Death Cab playing in my head at the current moment.... New Year something bla bla bla? That one.

Should we come up with a high note for this one? I'll pick middle C. The End.

It's Me O'Clock!

So.... I've decided to start a new thing.

I'm going to have a night time routine! Oh the wonders that could come from having a routine that one does every night! A complete regimen for beauty and personal mind/body health!

I'm kinda excited about it. Not gonna lie. Super stoaked!

I have had some issues with keeping up to date with the bliggity blog, and need to get better at taking some "me" time where I can just take an hour or two out of each day out for myself.... Because, well, let's face it... Being a mom, especially a single mom, can be difficult, and it's easy to forget yourself and put everyone else in front of you. AND... When you work in a hospital, constantly taking care of others, your needs tend to go on the back burner.

For example... The many times that you have worked an entire 12 hour shift without taking a lunch and you realize on the way out of the automatic front doors at the end of the day that you "forgot" to go to the bathroom after assisting others and reminding them to do so.... ALL DAY.

Admit it, you've done it. I know I have more than once. But... I did also go on a lot of road trips with my dad, and you learn how to hold it when you have to.

So here is the routine...

I get the little monster down for bed, after she has her bath and bedtime story and whatever... Then I watch whatever show happens to be on that night if that's what I want to do, and then the real "me time" kicks in. I've decided that Utah is a dry state, so I need to take some extra time and shower and lather the body up in lotion and get my hair ready for the next day. AND.... I even brush my teeth and put in my whitening trays, and I have a new face thing that I've started. Not like I need to get into details, but it feels nice. I've only done it a couple nights and it feels great.

After I do all that stuff, I take a minute and figure out where to go from there. You know what that gives me time for? BLOGGING! Something I need to get better at! Seriously.

I have also had an insanely productive day today. I went through everything and cleared out a lot of clutter from my room. I had a lot of it... But it was nice to get rid of a lot of stuff I didn't need. I will admit that I found some things that I didn't think I'd see again... Like the prom picture with Brown Boot.

And the key from our hotel room on prom night, which happened to be our one year anniversary. It was engraved with "Mr. and Mrs. Knowles, Little America Romance, May 7, 2005"

*sigh*

Even thinking about it now plays a montage of images from that night and our relationship.... The feeling that I knew who I would spend the rest of my life with, and how certain I was that this was the most amazing thing I would ever feel. It took my breath away. Like, literally. I couldn't breathe. I didn't think he had that effect on me still. But it's amazing how something, what, almost five years ago can still catch you off guard. You take life one breath at a time, and try to push that person out of your head, but they still creep in somehow. I still look at the mountains and remember how he would explain the way they formed to me... I see a sunset and I remember the construction site we used to go to on 1800 South to watch it set. I get a taste of chai on my lips, and remember the one month anniversary when I tasted it for the first time and he gave me that poem.

I didn't realize how much I thought about him... Which makes me wonder if he ever thinks about me the same way. If I randomly pop into his mind when he least expects it? I don't know.

Well, that's not the direction I wanted this blog to take... But whatever. Ha ha, see, that's how it happens! Every once in a while, he creeps into my head and then I can't stop.

There was something I wrote a long time ago that explained how it went...

"I miss you less with each deep breath,

but then there's times when I can't breathe,

and I'm back to where I started again"

Okay, done with that.

So!

Christmas! It was not everything that I expected it to be. First off, that guy I was seeing? McArmy? Well, he can kiss my ass to be frank. He kept being all weird and distant and never tried to resolve anything even though he said he wanted to. You can talk about how you want to fix things until your face turns blue and rainbows come out your butt, but until you actually do something about it, I won't believe you. And that's what happened.

But Tegan had an amazing time. She didn't really get the whole Christmas thing, but she loved playing with her hairbrush, and she was so cute playing with her new toys! It was a really simple year this year, and hopefully she'll be more aware of the season and really understand what's going on next year.

I got lots of pictures! And finally uploaded a bunch! Here is the link for the pictures from the zoo. And here is the link for the pictures of all the festivities....

And I just got really sleepy.... But let's keep this routine thing up, shall we? Because I deserve some good "me time"

The positive note I'm ending this one this time? Another thought I had while I was making Tegan's scrapbook....

"Not every story begins with 'Once upon a time',

but they all deserve a shot at 'Happily ever after'."

he still wears those brown boots....

I totally had you sitting on the edge of your seat, didn't I? I just know your eyes were glazed over in shock when I wrote my last post and just left with another classic cliffhanger. I should have my own TV show. I could make it entertaining.... A combination of Scrubs, Grey's, and hell, let's throw in some Gilmore Girls and SATC. Why not?

Okay... How do I know he wears the same brown boots? Because I saw them... Here is what happened.

One night I was talking to my person about something... I'm not really sure what to be perfectly honest, and quite frankly it doesn't matter, but somehow Brown Boot came up and she mentioned she talked to him and that he was leaving. He had always talked about fixing up the sail boat in Georgia and traveling around the country on a motorcycle.... And he finally got that bike. He'll be gone by the end of this month.

He had always talked about leaving, and I knew it could happen one day, but when she mentioned that he was going to be leaving right before she came back home, which is another story in it's self, and that they were going to just miss each other, my heart moved up from my chest and started pounding in my throat.

Not like it should be a big deal. It shouldn't have a huge effect on me.... Not like I had seen him since I first moved to Florida over two years ago. We haven't been officially together for about 3 years this Thanksgiving. It shouldn't make me nervous. It shouldn't make me miss him more than I already did. It shouldn't make me remember the way that he kissed me, or how it felt to be in his arms.... It shouldn't matter.

But it did.

He and I had talked a few times. Random conversations here and there about movies and music and whatever. And that one talk we had during my friend's bachelorette party.... (and that one was a doozie... I'm not going to tell you what was said, sorry!) But in these conversations, one of us would always mention that we should see each other soon. And I wanted it to happen. I was just too chicken to bring it up myself or try to plan anything. No joke. For all I knew, I could have been growing feathers and a beak and working on hatching an egg in a hen house for farmer Jon.

The next day I had to run up to work for some stuff. And I knew I had a chance to see him... So I wrote him that morning....

"YOU'RE LEAVING!?!?!?"

Hours later I got a reply. He had bought his bike, had saved up the money, and he was going to be gone for a month, come back and hunt with his dad, and then head down to Georgia and fix up the boat... and be down there for possibly a year.

My heart jumped back into my throat. It shouldn't matter, it shouldn't matter, it shouldn't matter.... But it did.

I told him that I wanted to go for a ride on his bike and see him before he left. We always talked about it, why not do it?

And then he told me to come up to his house....

I was shocked. Totally stunned. I wasn't sure what to think. Seriously? Did that really just happen? I don't really know what I expected. I mean, I'm still shocked that we've been talking as long as we have, considering the things that had been said the night of the bachelorette party. He hadn't run off like he always did. He didn't stop talking to me, like he always did... Who was this person? I haven't met this guy... Had he really changed as much as everyone said he did?

So, I drove up to the frat house, parked and walked to the front door and called him. I hadn't dialed his number in so long... And when he answered the phone and I heard his voice... I melted. My heart was beating faster and I could feel my pulse down in my fingertips and toes... and I had to remind myself to breathe.

I walked in to the house, and noted that there were beer cans everywhere. The place was a total dump to be perfectly honest. They had just gotten the place and it was in desperate need of repairs and some decorations. They did have couches, and a shirtless brother was totally passed out on one. I didn't even wake him up while I was talking on the phone to Brown Boot.

I met him outside on the patio that was in the center of the house. It was surrounded by windows from both stories of the house. He was out there with some of the other brothers, smoking. Apparently they had a little party the night before, which explained him responding so late... and it also explained the dude passed out on the couch.

He looked amazing. He looked fit. He had the same smile in his eyes when I saw him... and he hugged me. I played it cool though... I was totally nervous, and I'm sure he could tell, but I kept breathing and survived to tell the tale. He introduced me to everyone and we sat down, and I noticed it... He was wearing the same brown boots. New clothes, but the same exact boots. The soles were worn down of course, but they were the same. And so was he.

But there was something different. I couldn't put my finger on it, and it intrigued me. I couldn't stop smiling the entire time.

For most of the time other people were there. I saw one guy in his underwear, and one in a towel, and one that was totally naked because he couldn't find a towel. It helped break the ice, I guess you could say. Typical frat house to say the least.

We told stories from when we dated, and it was awesome to tell them together. That hadn't happened for years, and I was so used to just telling my side, and it was nice to hear what he had to say. We talked about our families and what we had been up to... Life. And it felt good. It didn't feel like it had been over two years since we had seen each other. It felt fresh. It felt amazing.

He kept asking me to go to lunch, but I knew I should go home. I would loved to have spent the entire night with him. I left for the baby, who has become the new love of my life.

He walked me out to see the old truck that we used to ride around in all the time... The steering wheel and stick shift was more worn than I had remembered it.... The second I looked inside I started having flash backs of him holding my hand and resting in on the stick shift. I remembered going camping and sleeping in the trailer bed. I remembered having our one month anniversary up by the Bountiful B with chinese food and my first taste of chai while sitting on the trailer bed and watching the sun set. I remembered the first night I met him, when I jumped on the tire and climbed to sit on top of the camper shell... and he tried to make me feel bad for kneeing his window.... I probably stood staring in the passenger window for less than 30 seconds, but the more memories flooded my brain.... I was praying that it wouldn't end up like Katrina.

His bike was pretty. Minus the duct tape. But it looked really nice and just like I imagined his bike looking. I still couldn't believe that he was leaving...

Like a gentleman, he walked me out front to my car. And kept trying to walk to the wrong one. And I spilled my guts. I told him that I stood by everything I said in our conversation at the bachelorette party. And that I was really hoping that I wouldn't have a nervous break down when I got home. And that he had set the standard for the other guys that I dated.... He told me that first love is a powerful thing, and the what really got me was the next thing he said...

He told me that he was sorry for ending things like he did, but he knew that at that time we couldn't be together. That we needed to grow up. And he knew he couldn't talk to me or see me for a while or else it we would end up back where we were. He had to make me hate him so that I could move on too. And he made it clear that there may be a chance in the future but most importantly...

He said he was sorry. And he meant it.

He said he wants to hang out again. We're ready now, I guess you could say.

He hugged me again, and I felt him the same way I felt him in my dreams. I smelled him again... And he smelled the same.

I got in the car and turned it on. And "Use Somebody" started playing on my CD player. Not helping. I took a deep breath. I cracked my knuckles. And I drove home.

I survived the whole thing! I haven't had a total nervous breakdown. I didn't crash. I didn't cry. A lot. I made it through seeing him. And it felt good. At the very least, I know that he and I could be friends. And that's good enough for me.

I finally understand it all. I get why he did what he did. It took me a long time to really get it, and to get over the pain he caused. But it made me stronger. And it made me better. It made me what I am today. And even though he hurt me more than anyone else, I could thank him for turning me into the person I am now.

Honestly, I could be with someone else. I know that if I found someone that I fell in love with the same way I fell in love with him, I could spend my life with that person.

But he still wears the same brown boots....

from rose stems beauty grows...

Oregon was amazing... It was so fun to get out there and to see friends from the past. A lot happened...

But it's all a blur! We already talked about the coast and the aquarium... Let me tell you what else happened....

Wednesday, I ran around with Chelsea, bride to be, and we did a couple wedding things. She came over to the hotel, and we picked out shoes and I showed her pictures... Then we ran to her cute cute house that she and her now husband live in together! It was kind of a mess, but so adorable! I would live there in a heart beat. And there is a about an acre and a half for their 2 dogs to run around in. They are very very luck to have such a great place! Except, the owners are building on it and they're trying to find a new place to live... On the way back, we noticed one of the houses had a ton of roses in full bloom with a bunch of different colors... What a coincidence! We needed to find roses for free from whoever we could for the flower girls and for the aisle runners. Chelsea's mom had gone through a whole mess Tuesday night when she was trying to get them, and hopefully there would be enough there that we wouldn't have to bother too many people.

The house belonged to an elderly couple, who had a daughter that would come to visit every Wednesday. There were two rows of rose bushes on the side of the house with about 10-15 bushes in each row. And more roses in the back... How lucky we were to find that house! Chelsea ran inside while I stayed out in the car with Tegan, and she came back with a thumbs up! We got out of the car with a garbage bag and clippers that Chelsea had packed just in case we were to stumble on such a lucky occasion. We trotted down the hill and started clipping roses. I held the bag and Tegan, and Chels clipped the ones she thought would work perfectly. The elderly couple came out, the man with a wheelchair, followed by their daughter and someone else, and they began to dig up bulbs that had passed their prime as we clipped.

The man was stubborn... Chelsea had seen him earlier that week with an edger, and he was edging his own yard from the wheelchair! He hacked away at the ground and his daughter came to tell us a story. Apparently, at her first wedding (she's divorced now) they had beautiful roses in a vase up at the alter. Her mother thought they were so beautiful, that she and her husband decided to give them to her. When she thought the roses were dead, her now ex husband took them and found a way to make them grow from the stems. The roses on the side of the house were from their actual wedding ceremony, and he made sure that his mother in law could enjoy them for as long as possible. It was one of the sweetest thing I had ever heard! We had gathered enough roses to fill up the garbage bag, and headed to her mom's house to put them in water before we went for our pedicures....

After the pedicures was the bachelorette party! WOOO! It was also the first night that I would leave Tegan over night with someone else... Very very scary. I do not need to publish the details for the bachelorette party, because the people that need to know what happened already do and were there. There were some very interesting conversations.... Ones that have possibly given me new hope and one in particular that opened my eyes to some very positive thinking. I will say that love never fades, and this should hold true for the happy couple. After all, they've been together for a total of six years, and are now finally married! Wait... I should say "love is not dead" because the actual reason I got the tattoo still hold true.

I didn't know the other girls in the bridal party very well... But this party definitely helped break the ice and make things not very awkward on the actual wedding day. They made me feel like I was part of the group and I believe that I made some very good friends. It made it very hard to leave when the day finally came.

I drove home in the morning, and found my baby happy and well in the arms of my mom at the Lakeshore Inn. I had been nervous the entire time, and could not wait to get back to her. But she had done just fine and actually slept through the entire night.

the crackberry...

I love my new phone! I got a blackberry a month ago and haven't really played with it much. Lucky lucky you, and me! I can now blog from my phone! How amazing is that!? Look at me, being all advanced and futuristic. Best idea ever.

The world is a crazy place. I've taken to watching the news lately and I can't believe the things I see. We won't get into it now, but people are stupid and crazy. It's depressing.

Tegan slept in her crib for 6 whole hours last night! Straight! She's getting so big. Every day is a new adventure with this little one. The more people meet her, the more I hear about how lucky I am and how amazing she is. She's smart. She's beautiful. And most importantly, she's healthy and happy. She rolls over both ways now, and sometimes will keep rolling until something gets in her way. Then she starts screaming until she can figure out she can roll back the other direction. She's even started a little bit of an inchworm thing where she sticks her butt up in the air to scoot her self towards her toys. I am totally amazed at how fast she's learning and how big of a personality she has already. And she's a little over four months old. I have a feeling I'm going to be chasing her around pretty soon.

She had her first bit of rice cereal today. With apple sauce and breast milk. What a breakfast! She's sleeping with a full yummy un my arms as I write on my space phone.

She is a thumb sucker for sure. It just took some time for her to find it. She refuses to take a bink, but loves her teething ring or anything else she can get into her mouth for that matter. Ha ha last night, I was playing with her with a Pooh stuffed animal, moving it around and making funny voices with it. She giggled like crazy.

There are so many features on this thing that I never thought I would use. Like a password keeper and google chat. But I find uses for everything on this addictive gadget every day. Speaking of google chat.... Randomly, not knowing I was signed into google chat, I started getting messages from a certain someone. I'm not entirely sure what to think about it. It's been happening for a couple months, off and on. We exchange pictures, keep each other updated, and talk about good memories. It feels good. And every time we say goodbye, I expect never to hear from him again, but am happy to know he is doing so well. I laugh out loud at the things we talk about and how similar our senses of humor are. A girl I work with actually knew said person and after working together one day, said she could see is being together. To make things even crazier, that day I had listened to the radio for the first time in forever and three songs we deemed as our own played one after another on my way to work after I had woken up from a dream that my daughter was chasing him around the backyard of his old house with a squirt gun. Who knows what will happen. I'm just happy to be alive now even though it's taking time for things to go my way. And yes, that whole last paragraph was about good ol' Brown Boot. He's not being as sneaky with his hauntings these days.

The nurses and CNAs on my floor are rooting for me on the sidelines! It gives a lot of encouragement on my end and it's so nice to know that they want me there. We'll see where that goes... Fingers crossed. There may be a chance for me afterall.

Medical update.... I had a CT and xray on Friday. We're not really sure what's going on yet, but it's causing a lot of pain. I went in again yesterday, and they did some bloodwork. Something about my sternum being swollen, the lining of my lungs being inflamed and a 3mm something in my right lung, and cartilage in different parts of my body becoming inflamed as well. Awesome. I'll do my best to keep everyone updated with that as well. It's been fun. The doctor called.... And my bloodwork came back normal. That's good news.

Well, baby is awake now. And it's time to be productive. Thanks for the support!

thirty-six weeks down... four to go. damn.

Another week, another baby doctor visit.  Which doesn't seem so bad... really.  Today, she poked around in my area, did a culture swab for some special bacteria.... I am 75% effaced, and already starting to dilate.  But, I could stay that way for a long time... It's getting closer and closer.  More appointments every month, means that I'm that much closer to the due date, and that much closer to having this baby in my arms instead of rubbing the left side of my uterus raw.  And yes, that is as awesome as it sounds...

My ribs are killing me.  My back feels like it's broken.  I can't breathe.  I pee all the time.  I can't sleep.  I can't do anything to get comfortable.... Blah blah blah.  You know what the baby doctor says about all of it?

"Congrats!  You're pregnant!  When this is all over, we'll talk about some birth control."

My response?

".... I was on birth control."

"Oh.... We'll talk about different birth control then."

Hmmm.... Thanks lady.  Let's make sure this doesn't happen again for a while.

It really isn't so bad.  I know it will all be worth it in the end.  She'll be here, and I'll love her more than anyone or anything.  And I still won't get any sleep, but I'm sure she'll be good company.  It is harder to do it with one less person... Actually, I wouldn't know what it's like to do it with that extra person there, so either way, it's going to be hard.  The nursery is almost ready... It's already stocked with clothes and some relatively educational toys... The designs and quotes are getting planned to paint on the walls.  She'll be here soon... And I'm still in shock that I'm pregnant in the first place.

Baby daddy update?  None.  He hardly talks to me, and when he does, it's about him.  And he asks how the baby and I are doing as an after thought.  I know how to pick 'em don't I?  Boo that man!  BOO!

Speaking of....

I'm getting memories jogged up again for another blog that will be all about former relationships, and the lessons I learned from each experience.  Most of it will all be from Mr. Brown Boot, because he is the one that I spent most of the time with and the one that I gave pretty much all of my heart to.  And the one I learned the biggest lessons from.... And the one that I'm still not totally over.  Pathetic, I know.  It will probably be titled something along the lines of.... "From Happily Ever After... To Never Gonna Happen".... Still working on the over all idea.  So look for that along with, "Is This A Fairy Tale, Or A Nightmare" which is all about the Florida journey.  I've decided that it's time to get all this stuff out along with the lessons I've learned so I don't forget later.  I've been through a lot.  Really.  And the whole point was so I could learn from it all, and I did.  I wouldn't take any of it back for the world.

Recently, I heard some news.  Something that should seem like fantastic news to me, but in reality it made me sad.  Brown Boot and his girlfriend broke up.  Why?  Because he's still scared of commitment.  He wants freedom, but he wants to feel wanted by someone.  He wants to be like his dad in all the good ways, but he's picking up too many bad things along with it, that he's turning into the person he doesn't want to be.  

I have no idea who this guy is, or what happened to the gentleman that would pull over to watch a sunset with me, or to randomly pick a flower from someone's yard for me.  The times that were simple, but filled with complicated emotions... Those are all gone.  The people that were involved are totally different now.  He doesn't know who I am anymore... In many ways I haven't changed, but I've grown a lot, and I know what mistakes were made.  I've lived, learned, and tried to move on.

So why is it sad for me that this couple broke up?  It really shouldn't have any influence on me or my life.  I shouldn't be letting it get to me.  But for some reason, it's easier to move on when I know that the person I'm trying to leave behind has someone else and is totally out of reach.  When there is no chance of seriously being with them.  When they're single, it's harder.  You think, maybe they'll come around.  Maybe they'll miss me and pick up the phone and call.  Maybe, what if, someday....  Technically, you could have the "maybe" even if they have someone else they climb into bed with every night... but it's so much harder for me to think of maybe, when someone else has the maybe instead of me.

Hearing this news, made my body shake.  I couldn't control it, and I wasn't cold.  I cried simple tears that swelled in my eyes streamed down my face... But I still tried to hold my cool when I talked to my friend about it... I asked if he was okay, and what happened... Asked if they would get back together, or if it was just one of those fights... 

"No, they're done.  He just didn't want to do it anymore."

My super adult "I've totally moved on" response?

"Everyone deserves a chance to be happy.  I just hope he doesn't keep ruining it for himself.  He has already missed out on a lot because he holds himself back in more ways than one."

Super adult, right?  Look at me and my bad self.  I did mean it though... every word.

The same thing that happened with me.  He was terrified of commitment, and terrified of not having balance.  I knew what his mind was thinking, and I knew how hurt she probably was.  And more than anything, I wanted to reach out to him and say something... Let him know that I was there for him if he needed me.  My mind kept running back and forth between my options.  Should I write him?  Leave it alone?  Back and forth, back and forth... and it was driving my brain crazy... Finally, I decided to talk to someone, instead of letting it put me into a depressing funk for the next few weeks, which was the last thing I needed in this next month...

Here's the texting that went on the next day after I found out and decided to get my mind going...

"How are you holding up?"

"I was in a lot of pain, so that distracted me.  And then I remembered that he said he would never talk to me again if I got pregnant with some else's baby.  Which made me sad.  But it also makes me wonder if he ever thinks or asks about me.  And then again, I'm sure I wouldn't want to know.  Then I think, maybe I should say hi and let him know that I'm here to listen if he needs me.  And then I change my mind.  It's just been running in circles and has gotten me no where.  Pain is distracting though.  Which sucks and helps at the same time.  He just confuses me, that's all.  And I don't even need to talk to him for him to confuse me."

"I know it's hard and confusing but I don't think it will do you any good to talk to him.  It always ends up hurting you one way or another."

"Yeah, that's what I figure.  I'm here if he needs me.  And I miss him every day.  But that doesn't change what happened.  At least there's more confirmation that it wasn't all my fault that it didn't work out.  My head just keeps going back to that lady in the coffee house that said I found my soul mate, but we needed time apart and to have other relationships before we would be together again.  But I'm tired of reaching out to him and having him shove my arms away.  Not fair.  He hasn't tried that for me, so why should I keep trying for him?  No more hurting.  Maybe after more time.  Like when I stop shaking uncontrollably when I think about him.  Good plan."

"Darling, it's time to let that go.  He isn't who you fell in love with anymore.  I know you will always hold on to those memories and you should, but it's been long enough now that it's time.  You are allowed more than one soul mate.  I was once told that soul mates aren't meant to be the person you love and marry.  They seem more like your best friend.  You can't marry your soul mate, because you're too a like...  Basically the same person.  You have to end up with someone who has more differences than similarities.  I thought it was interesting in a way.  And it kinda makes sense.  But you have bigger things to worry about than ***.  Let go."

"You're my soul mate... ;)  It just makes me sad.  He and I are so different now.  I'm really not even close to the same person he knew.  And he left so many scars...  I don't think he has any idea.  But it's time to stop ripping out the stitches and picking at the scabs.  They'll always be there, but they need time to heal.  If for whatever reason, our lives match up one day, then so be it.  But I'm honestly not planning one being with anyone.  Which is smart.  And yeah, I'll miss the person I used to know.  Just hopefully not every day for the rest of my life.  But that person is gone now.  I just seriously hope he gets his head on straight and realizes the damage that he has done before it's too late for him.  He keeps making the same mistakes and blames someone else.  Ga.  Whatever.  He'll always be that gay 80's rockstar to me that would stop on the side of the road to pick me flowers and watch sunsets in construction sites.  I'd rather have those memories than the bitter ones."

"I still don't understand why you think you're going to end up alone."

"I just don't want to set myself up for disappointment... I'd rather plan on not having anyone there than expect someone to be there and have my heart broken again...."

"You and I are built for love, darling.  And that's why this is going to be the best loved baby in the world... and when the time is right, you'll fall in love with someone as amazing as you are."

That's why she's my person.  Sometimes, you just need to talk to someone about what's going on in your head to get it all out there.  With out this girl, I would probably be in a psyche ward or something... no joke.  I'm dealing with it so much better than I thought I would... Sometimes I still get the urge to write Brown Boot... and then I decide against it.  I have different things that I need to focus on...

Anyway... More to come later.  One day, it will all be but a memory.

Picking the weeds and keeping the flowers...