thirty-six weeks down... four to go. damn.

Another week, another baby doctor visit.  Which doesn't seem so bad... really.  Today, she poked around in my area, did a culture swab for some special bacteria.... I am 75% effaced, and already starting to dilate.  But, I could stay that way for a long time... It's getting closer and closer.  More appointments every month, means that I'm that much closer to the due date, and that much closer to having this baby in my arms instead of rubbing the left side of my uterus raw.  And yes, that is as awesome as it sounds...

My ribs are killing me.  My back feels like it's broken.  I can't breathe.  I pee all the time.  I can't sleep.  I can't do anything to get comfortable.... Blah blah blah.  You know what the baby doctor says about all of it?

"Congrats!  You're pregnant!  When this is all over, we'll talk about some birth control."

My response?

".... I was on birth control."

"Oh.... We'll talk about different birth control then."

Hmmm.... Thanks lady.  Let's make sure this doesn't happen again for a while.

It really isn't so bad.  I know it will all be worth it in the end.  She'll be here, and I'll love her more than anyone or anything.  And I still won't get any sleep, but I'm sure she'll be good company.  It is harder to do it with one less person... Actually, I wouldn't know what it's like to do it with that extra person there, so either way, it's going to be hard.  The nursery is almost ready... It's already stocked with clothes and some relatively educational toys... The designs and quotes are getting planned to paint on the walls.  She'll be here soon... And I'm still in shock that I'm pregnant in the first place.

Baby daddy update?  None.  He hardly talks to me, and when he does, it's about him.  And he asks how the baby and I are doing as an after thought.  I know how to pick 'em don't I?  Boo that man!  BOO!

Speaking of....

I'm getting memories jogged up again for another blog that will be all about former relationships, and the lessons I learned from each experience.  Most of it will all be from Mr. Brown Boot, because he is the one that I spent most of the time with and the one that I gave pretty much all of my heart to.  And the one I learned the biggest lessons from.... And the one that I'm still not totally over.  Pathetic, I know.  It will probably be titled something along the lines of.... "From Happily Ever After... To Never Gonna Happen".... Still working on the over all idea.  So look for that along with, "Is This A Fairy Tale, Or A Nightmare" which is all about the Florida journey.  I've decided that it's time to get all this stuff out along with the lessons I've learned so I don't forget later.  I've been through a lot.  Really.  And the whole point was so I could learn from it all, and I did.  I wouldn't take any of it back for the world.

Recently, I heard some news.  Something that should seem like fantastic news to me, but in reality it made me sad.  Brown Boot and his girlfriend broke up.  Why?  Because he's still scared of commitment.  He wants freedom, but he wants to feel wanted by someone.  He wants to be like his dad in all the good ways, but he's picking up too many bad things along with it, that he's turning into the person he doesn't want to be.  

I have no idea who this guy is, or what happened to the gentleman that would pull over to watch a sunset with me, or to randomly pick a flower from someone's yard for me.  The times that were simple, but filled with complicated emotions... Those are all gone.  The people that were involved are totally different now.  He doesn't know who I am anymore... In many ways I haven't changed, but I've grown a lot, and I know what mistakes were made.  I've lived, learned, and tried to move on.

So why is it sad for me that this couple broke up?  It really shouldn't have any influence on me or my life.  I shouldn't be letting it get to me.  But for some reason, it's easier to move on when I know that the person I'm trying to leave behind has someone else and is totally out of reach.  When there is no chance of seriously being with them.  When they're single, it's harder.  You think, maybe they'll come around.  Maybe they'll miss me and pick up the phone and call.  Maybe, what if, someday....  Technically, you could have the "maybe" even if they have someone else they climb into bed with every night... but it's so much harder for me to think of maybe, when someone else has the maybe instead of me.

Hearing this news, made my body shake.  I couldn't control it, and I wasn't cold.  I cried simple tears that swelled in my eyes streamed down my face... But I still tried to hold my cool when I talked to my friend about it... I asked if he was okay, and what happened... Asked if they would get back together, or if it was just one of those fights... 

"No, they're done.  He just didn't want to do it anymore."

My super adult "I've totally moved on" response?

"Everyone deserves a chance to be happy.  I just hope he doesn't keep ruining it for himself.  He has already missed out on a lot because he holds himself back in more ways than one."

Super adult, right?  Look at me and my bad self.  I did mean it though... every word.

The same thing that happened with me.  He was terrified of commitment, and terrified of not having balance.  I knew what his mind was thinking, and I knew how hurt she probably was.  And more than anything, I wanted to reach out to him and say something... Let him know that I was there for him if he needed me.  My mind kept running back and forth between my options.  Should I write him?  Leave it alone?  Back and forth, back and forth... and it was driving my brain crazy... Finally, I decided to talk to someone, instead of letting it put me into a depressing funk for the next few weeks, which was the last thing I needed in this next month...

Here's the texting that went on the next day after I found out and decided to get my mind going...

"How are you holding up?"

"I was in a lot of pain, so that distracted me.  And then I remembered that he said he would never talk to me again if I got pregnant with some else's baby.  Which made me sad.  But it also makes me wonder if he ever thinks or asks about me.  And then again, I'm sure I wouldn't want to know.  Then I think, maybe I should say hi and let him know that I'm here to listen if he needs me.  And then I change my mind.  It's just been running in circles and has gotten me no where.  Pain is distracting though.  Which sucks and helps at the same time.  He just confuses me, that's all.  And I don't even need to talk to him for him to confuse me."

"I know it's hard and confusing but I don't think it will do you any good to talk to him.  It always ends up hurting you one way or another."

"Yeah, that's what I figure.  I'm here if he needs me.  And I miss him every day.  But that doesn't change what happened.  At least there's more confirmation that it wasn't all my fault that it didn't work out.  My head just keeps going back to that lady in the coffee house that said I found my soul mate, but we needed time apart and to have other relationships before we would be together again.  But I'm tired of reaching out to him and having him shove my arms away.  Not fair.  He hasn't tried that for me, so why should I keep trying for him?  No more hurting.  Maybe after more time.  Like when I stop shaking uncontrollably when I think about him.  Good plan."

"Darling, it's time to let that go.  He isn't who you fell in love with anymore.  I know you will always hold on to those memories and you should, but it's been long enough now that it's time.  You are allowed more than one soul mate.  I was once told that soul mates aren't meant to be the person you love and marry.  They seem more like your best friend.  You can't marry your soul mate, because you're too a like...  Basically the same person.  You have to end up with someone who has more differences than similarities.  I thought it was interesting in a way.  And it kinda makes sense.  But you have bigger things to worry about than ***.  Let go."

"You're my soul mate... ;)  It just makes me sad.  He and I are so different now.  I'm really not even close to the same person he knew.  And he left so many scars...  I don't think he has any idea.  But it's time to stop ripping out the stitches and picking at the scabs.  They'll always be there, but they need time to heal.  If for whatever reason, our lives match up one day, then so be it.  But I'm honestly not planning one being with anyone.  Which is smart.  And yeah, I'll miss the person I used to know.  Just hopefully not every day for the rest of my life.  But that person is gone now.  I just seriously hope he gets his head on straight and realizes the damage that he has done before it's too late for him.  He keeps making the same mistakes and blames someone else.  Ga.  Whatever.  He'll always be that gay 80's rockstar to me that would stop on the side of the road to pick me flowers and watch sunsets in construction sites.  I'd rather have those memories than the bitter ones."

"I still don't understand why you think you're going to end up alone."

"I just don't want to set myself up for disappointment... I'd rather plan on not having anyone there than expect someone to be there and have my heart broken again...."

"You and I are built for love, darling.  And that's why this is going to be the best loved baby in the world... and when the time is right, you'll fall in love with someone as amazing as you are."

That's why she's my person.  Sometimes, you just need to talk to someone about what's going on in your head to get it all out there.  With out this girl, I would probably be in a psyche ward or something... no joke.  I'm dealing with it so much better than I thought I would... Sometimes I still get the urge to write Brown Boot... and then I decide against it.  I have different things that I need to focus on...

Anyway... More to come later.  One day, it will all be but a memory.

Picking the weeds and keeping the flowers...

stupid baby daddy drama

SO....

Apparently there are some things that I need to clear up... still. Which is really starting to bug me.

I got pregnant in May, about the time I started working at Bad Ass Coffee - still one of the best coffee houses ever, fyi. Pregnancy is 40-41 weeks, or about ten months. No joke. I'm due towards the end of February. The only person I have been with since, like, December is KJ who is the father. We were together, up until I moved back to Utah on the Fourth of July.

Now I didn't move because I was pregnant. I booked the ticket, and then found out two weeks after everything was already rolling that I was pregnant. I was packing up my stuff and found a pregnancy test in my bathroom things and took it. Then took a couple more just to make sure. Then I went to the doctor that Monday and they confirmed it. I still left the Friday after that.

The most recent rumor that I've heard, is that I didn't get pregnant until I moved back to Utah when I supposedly slept with an ex boyfriend. As you can see from the information above, it would be totally impossible for the baby to be anyone else's. Not only have I not been with anyone else, mathematically it would be totally impossible. For it to be even close to true, the baby would be born sometime in May, and not at the end of February... and it would also require me sleeping with someone else.

I don't know exactly who started this, but it's stupid. Someone told me that the father, KJ, started telling everyone that it's not his and that I wasn't pregnant when I left. I call total and complete bull shit on this one kids. Sorry to break your hearts. I don't know if he is denying it, or what he's said to other people. But it has to be his. And no, I didn't do it on purpose either. Why would I get pregnant and then leave???

I don't feel sexy enough to be sleeping around with ANYONE! My belly is getting bigger, I'm extremely uncomfortable all the time, and I'm working a lot. Plus, I'm pretty sure no one is interested in me like that right now...

So please, leave my poor little unborn daughter out of this stupid drama. She didn't do anything to deserve this, and she has no idea it's going on in the first place. Somebody is lying, and it's not me. There are a million ways you can check your facts. If you have any questions about what's going on, ask me instead of asking other people. You'll probably get the most correct information from the person it involves instead of getting it from somewhere else.

Please and thank you!

On other notes, things are moving smoothly and she's kicking like mad. I thought I was possibly going to be a week late, but I may end up being early! I'll keep peoples updated as new info comes around.

i've already cut the chord...

Here is what I really think about us and everything that is happening and has happened... It's blunt, and honest. And when I tried this on the phone last night, you didn't listen to anything I said... You kept cutting me off and telling me I was wrong. When I said that the things I say go in one ear and out the other, your only response was "ouch" instead of wanting to understand why I felt that way.

You didn't listen to a word I said last night. You call me when you're drunk. I'm pretty sure that it's the only time you have called me. I call you to update you with news about your daughter. I talk to you to keep you informed on what's going on with my life, because like it or not, it is going to effect you some how.

Even when your sober, your sentences and grammar make no sense. You laugh because I can't understand what you say with your slurred words and terrible use of the English language. You keep using these run-on sentences that keep going in circles, and you keep changing what you have said before. You say yes then switch it to no and expect me to understand what the fuck you want. When I answer questions that you've asked me, you keep asking me to answer you. I don't know if it's not what you want to hear, but you keep asking. And when I explain my answer because you obviously don't understand, you tell me that it's a simple yes or no. It's not. I'm not going to tell you what you want to hear anymore, because it obviously isn't working.

When you talk to me, I realize how smart I really am. Which is pathetic. I can't believe that I fell for your stupid bull shit. I thought that you were well rounded and had all this life experience from traveling around the world, but you didn't get anything from the experiences you've had. You are just very good at pretending to be something you aren't. And I fell for it like a stupid fool. Blinded, because I thought I loved you.

And no, I don't get how you really feel. I don't think it's fair to assume what another person feels unless they tell me, or it becomes totally obvious what they think. I've learned my lesson in the past. But when i told you this, you freaked out at me and told me I should never doubt you because you have never given me a reason to doubt how you feel. Okay, I was telling you what I experienced in my life in the past, and how that effects how I feel now and why my brain works the way it does.

When I first told you I was pregnant, you were trying to convince me that I should get an abortion because you didn't think I was mature enough to raise a child. Are you FUCKING KIDDING?! I know you are older than me, but that doesn't mean jack shit. This is your second child, and you still have no idea what to do. I'm trying to include you in this miracle called life, and you just say... "... cool." I think I'm dealing with the events in my life a hell of a lot better than you are... You lost your job and you still don't have a new one. Instead, you drink your money away, and complain about how terrible your life is.

The next time we talked about our situation, you were of course drunk, telling me about how you miss me and you had a dream that we got married and lived happily ever after. You believed that we were somehow going to be a happy family. Then when we talked after that, it was never mentioned again.

Did you not get that I was miserable with you? And not just miserable because I wanted to go home and didn't want to be in Florida anymore... I was miserable because I realized who you really were and that you and I were not going to be together, and you were the main reason I was staying. If you were the main reason I stayed, and I knew I didn't want to be with you anymore, why the hell was I staying?

You didn't treat me how I deserve to be treated. You still don't. And honestly, you have no idea who I really am. You keep telling me that you know, but you don't. You don't know me. You don't understand me. And you treat me like shit. I think the only time you were right about us is when you said you felt bad because you couldn't give me what I needed. That should have been a major clue that it's not going to work out. For the love of your chosen religious figure, stop calling me "Kiddo". You know full well, that it drives me crazy and it hurts my feelings because I feel like you're trying to act like my father. You're not mature enough to act that way. Far from it.

I do care about you. And yeah, I miss the times we had together. But I know for a fact that you are not the one I want to be with. We are not going to end up together. We are not going to be a family and have a happily ever after. We are totally different people, we want different things, and we're going in total opposite directions in our lives. The only way our paths will cross is because of this little girl that is curled up so nicely in my belly.... No one has damaged or neglected her yet.

The only reason I'm talking to you is because of our daughter that I'm pregnant with. If she didn't exist, I wouldn't have kept in contact with you. And that's the bitter truth. I don't love you anymore. If she wasn't alive in my belly right now, I wouldn't have kissed you before I went through security at the airport. I wouldn't have answered your calls. I would have just told you that I never wanted to talk to you again.

Why the hell do you keep asking me if I miss you? You ask almost every time we talk. Then I tell you we're never going to be anything more than friends, and you agree with me. Why are you asking if I miss you and telling me that I will always have part of your heart and soul? It's like you're trying to keep me on a chord that I've already cut. You can't dangle me and believe that we are going to be together. It's not what I want. You can't keep me in this place you want me to be. If you knew me, you would know that.

God, I feel like there is so much I'm not saying. But we aren't going to be together. That's the main point I want to make. I care about you. And I hope you're happy, but I obviously don't miss you the way you miss me. Maybe it's best we don't talk anymore. Decide if you want to pay child support, or sign over your rights. And we should probably let her decide when she's old enough if she wants to see you. But chances are, another man will come into our lives, and that's who she's going to call daddy. Because I know you aren't going to be there.

It's painful. It's blunt. But it's the cold hard truth. I've already cut the damn chord. Now let me go.