It's been a while...

I wish I could recap all the things that have happened since my last post, but life moves so fast sometimes and things get missed...

School is awesome. I'm loving my students that I work with about once a week. It makes me really want to do teaching... but massage therapy is in the back of my mind. I don't know if it's the stone therapy, essential oils, or fancy lotions that draw me in.... But time will tell. I do love the idea of influencing young minds though... Tempting... mold them into what I want like a delectable jello? Mmmm.... k.

In other news... Work has been sparatic. Some days are fast, and some are slow... but there are moments that remind me why I'm there and why it isn't something I want to do for the rest of my life. A patient can go down for a simple procedure and not come back. Other patients go home knowing they don't have much time. Others walk out of there better than they walked in... One thing that is drilled into my head is that life is short. Every day, I am reminded that life is too short to worry about every little thing that could go wrong... It's too short to worry about what could or could not happen. Life is there to be lived.

Hope for the best, embrace the unknown, go along for the journey....

The love life is kind of a mess right now. I don't really want to go into a lot of detail about it until it all gets worked out. I will say that Brown Boot walked into my life for a brief moment, and then walked back out like he always does. A simple kiss drew me in again, and then I was pushed away yet again... Like he is trying to keep me dangling right where he can reach me in case he decides he wants to be with me. I offered many things, and it seems like he isn't going to take any of them. He dated someone else after I put myself out there, yet again.

But you know what? I'm not sure if it's from that happening to me so many times with so many other guys - the whole being second choice thing - but I wasn't hurt by it. Maybe he had done it to me so many times. I'm not something that can be tucked away on a shelf. I'm not a jar of strawberry preserves. You can't just stick me on a shelf for years and expect me to be just how you remember. I won't always be there. Someone else will find me and realize that I am delicious, and something that should be enjoyed... Not hidden away. I'm not going to be waiting for you to come and get me whenever you are ready. That's not fair to me. I would much rather be living my life, not waiting around for someone to pull me back in like a damn yo yo.

I'd rather be strawberry wine than strawberry preserves....

When I put myself out there, and you say, "sure, I'll take you on a date! That would be wonderful!"

or maybe you said, "I didn't realize how strong my feelings were for you still... let's take this one day at a time..."

And then not a damn thing happens? SERIOUSLY?! I'm done with guys being all talk. You have to do something about it. You can talk about rainbow farting unicorns that eat a particular kind of string cheese, and I won't believe you until I see a unicorn. Or that particular string cheese. A little more action PLEASE!

I'm tired of guys talking my ear off about what I deserve... I like making plans and talking about places we will go, and actually believing that I will one day go to these places. It gets tiring. I gave him another chance. I put myself out there again. And it went no where.

It's a good thing. From what I can tell, I'm a totally different person than he ever knew. And he is still the same.

Um... But there is someone in my life now. He wears a different kind of shoe. And I know I just went on a rant about guys being all talk, but that's all I really can do with this guy right now. And now that just got taken away. Kind of.

I know none of that made any sense. I know I just kind of contradicted myself there... But it's hard to explain. I have a feeling that we will actually do these things he talks about all the time. I have a feeling. He's my whatever. And I'm his whatever. And I'm not even sure what kind of whatever he is. I do know this... before he left, we talked for hours every night. Tonight will be the first night we haven't talked or had any kind of contact for two months. Sidebar - no physical contact with this person whatsoever. We've met. We've seen each other face to face. We've even talked in person. But never touched. But we talked for hours every night before we went to bed and it was never weird. It was like we had been doing it for years.

But every night before I would go to bed, he would tell me that he hoped he could feel me holding him as I fell asleep. He would wish me sweet dreams and tell me to take care of myself.

I've never missed someone so much, and not actually known what it was like to be next to them. But I can feel him there. He promised me that I would never be alone because he is always with me... And chances are, I won't see him until this spring....

Here's to hoping spring is full of ferry boats... Starbucks, fruit, and muffins in bed... Beach houses.... And a certain someone's arms wrapped around me.

I'll just pretend to hold him until he gets here.

the good, the bad, and the whatever.

We went to the doctor today. Not always the best experience. Tegan will be 18 weeks on Friday, and she is doing everything early. She was born two weeks early, her umbilical chord stump fell off a week early, and now she's doing everything else early too! Babies usually roll over at around six months, but she's been rolling for a couple weeks already. Which means she'll be crawling and walking early too. Time really does fly. She is so smart! She talks all the time. And she knows how to grab things. Like her toys, my hair, and my thumbs whenever I try to text when I hold her. The doctor is amazed every time with how healthy she is and how quickly she's developing. She is really the light of my world right now, and I would not give her up for anything. And she is worth all the drama that I've gone through that actually put me where I am today... and all the other drama I'm going through now!

At the doctor's today she got her shots updated. She did okay at the office... they poked her, and she cried, and I almost punched them.... But she was okay and smiling after about 30 seconds. She slept most of the day when we got home, but when she was awake she was crying like no other. It's been insanely difficult to see her in pain and not be able to do anything about it. But I know worse things are going to happen as she gets older, and I'll still hold her helplessly while she cries.


In other news....

Work kinda sucks. I love working in the hospital, and would love to do nursing. But this housekeeping stuff has got to go. I am literally cleaning up other people's shit. Do you call that a good time? Nursing isn't always pretty, but that would really make me feel like I'm helping people. Don't get me wrong... hospitals need to be cleaned. They can get really gross. But that's not helping people the way I want to. It's so hard to have my CNA license and not be able to use it. A job opened up on the floor that I love working on. But sadly, I probably won't get the position because a girl that worked there a year ago applied to work there again. And they really like her. You never know though. It just gets really tiring to feel like I get the short end of the stick all the time.... And whoever keeps handing me the short end of the stick thinks it's really funny to shake it as hard as they can while I try to hold on for dear life. It's not fun anymore. And I feel like my managers don't listen to me like they should. I feel totally disposable.

It will be so worth it once I actually start taking my nursing classes and get headed further in that direction. I'm going to stick it out until I get where I want to be. Waiting sucks though.

In other bad news... haha, not funny. Anyway, Mike and I broke up. Which was really hard. He and I had been off and on for a few years, and I will always love him. In fact, he is still one of my best friends. For a while, I couldn't see myself being with anyone else. I was trying on wedding dresses and getting different ideas together for our wedding. And then something clicked.... I realized that he wasn't who I was supposed to be with. That there was someone so much better for both of us. I tried to keep seeing a future with him, and it just wasn't there. I pictured it a million different ways and he wasn't in any part of it. Which made me really sad. I was devastated. I don't think he understood how hard it was for me to break it off with him. But keeping him would have been selfish. If there was someone out there that could love him more than I could, I wanted him to be able to have that chance, and if he was with me, it wouldn't have happened. With me he would have been miserable.

I've been trying to get Tegan to sleep in her crib at night. It doesn't go very well all the time. And the only times I can really do it are the nights when I don't have to work the next day. One step at a time. Baby steps if you will. Being a mommy is one of the best things ever. It's so hard and easy and exciting at the same time.... and I wouldn't trade it for the world.

I've been painting the nursery. It's been so fun! It's all classic Winnie the Pooh. I'm about half way done. If you want to see pictures of that it's on my Facebook.

Anyway.... I promise I'll have more good news next time. I just thought it would be good to get everything out there and caught up.

TTFN

false alarms and pain pills... joy

Ow.

That's pretty much what it boils down to.  I have never been in this much pain, and I'm pretty sure I've said that before.  But it's been really bad lately.  I can't work anymore.  But I'm too scared to not work because I don't want to put them in a bad situation and I really could use the money.  But physically?  Working is probably one of the worst ideas for me... currently.

I left work early on Friday.... Yesterday.  It seems like days ago, but it wasn't.  This is what went down....

I was near tears, trying to work as fast as I could, but I was in so much pain I could hardly breathe.  Lunch time finally came, and my mom had ordered me a delicious salad from Costa Vida (delicious!), so I was on my way over to the new building, which is where she works, from the main hospital, which is where I work.  The walk wasn't that long.  Normally it would take me only a couple of minutes to get over there... but yesterday it took me ten before I even got the the elevators leading up to her floor.

There has been this sharp, stabbing pain in my ribs and my back... the baby moves like crazy all the time, and it is so painful.  My joints are all messed up, so walking felt almost impossible because my hips hurt so badly.  Not to mention that I kept getting comments from everyone that I looked really pale and sick, even though I had been eating a ton all day and had taken my pills.

Okay.  I finally find my mom and the food, and by the time I've gotten there, I'm too sick to eat anything.  I had gotten really nauseated.  Even though I had been taking my pills for that too.  All the nurses and doctors were asking me questions about how I was feeling and where the pain was coming from.  Finally, they convinced me to go into the main office for my department and tell them that I couldn't work the rest of my shift, and to go to the hospital I was already pre-admitted at to see what was wrong...

We finally get there.  And I got settled into a room, and am so nicely dressed in an IV gown.  I'm hooked to monitors to monitor the baby's heart beat and my contractions to make sure everything was okay.  The nurse asked me a million different questions about everything from my pain levels (which she didn't believe were that high) to past conditions that I've had.

I knew when I walked in that I wasn't in labor.  There was no way that I was having contractions, because I couldn't feel any.  The problem has been my ribs and my back the ENTIRE time that I've been pregnant, and all everyone says, is there's nothing I can do and to just wait it out.  How nice of them... Great advice.  To which I would respond.... "shove it where the sun don't shine!"  With a nice, big smile.

So, I lay there.  Strapped to machines, with lubricating jelly leaking out of my who haa from the first time they checked to see how dilated I was, trying to sleep with the amount of pain I was in... It seemed impossible.  But apparently I drifted off to sleep, and the nurse came back in to check me and see how I was doing.  When she found that I was exactly the same, (DUH, I knew that), she said that she could give me something for the pain, and send me home.  (The pills were awesome by the way, and I had no pain for the rest of the night... and they did kinda make me pass out...)

BUT  when I asked if I could get some kind of prescription to help ease the pain while I wasn't working, the nurse said no, and looked at me like I was crazy.  She also said I should just try warm baths and non-asprin Tylonol.  When I told her that I have been doing that every day for months and it hadn't done anything, she said I should just keep trying because they try not to give much medicine in the last few weeks of pregnancy.

Stupid nurse.  She didn't believe that I was in much pain in the first place, and whenever I asked for help with the pain, she just brushed it off like I was another pregnant lady complaining about simple pregnancy pains.  Which really bugged me.  When I asked to talk to my doctor about what I should do about working, she brushed it off again.  I felt like she wasn't listening to me at all!  

Any time I've mentioned the pain I'm in to anyone, they just say, "Welcome to pregnancy!  It will be over soon..."  Really?  That's all you have to say?  Try it one more time and I'll shove my maternity brace down your throat.  Did I mention that I went to physical therapy?  For two weeks?  And they told me that nothing they could do would help me, so it would be best for me to come back after I had the baby if the pain was still bothering me.  NO JOKE.

So you know what I'm going to do?  I already talked to the people at my work and told them I was having a really hard time working and I am in constant pain... and working makes it worse.  I'll just have to make the final decision, and tell them that I can't work anymore.... good lord.  I'll have to stop working, try to figure out how to pay for the things I need and keep my job so I can keep the health insurance and have a job to go back to when it's time.

On the plus side, I'm dilated to a 2 and I'm already 80% effaced.  Woot.  But I could stay that way for weeks.  Only 20 more days...

I love dealing with stuff like this... Now if I could find a way to make the pain not be so....  painful.  

Wouldn't that be nice?  I can't wait until this is over....  Keep your fingers crossed.