I keep getting this feeling all day... It's weird. I think I've explained this feeling, and I'm hoping it's not a medical condition... If it is, please don't give me drugs for it because I actually kind of like it.
Let me set the stage. There is a song, Use Somebody by the Kings of Leon. Ever since I first heard this song, I knew that when I found that someone, my internal iPod would shuffle to this song whenever said person crossed my mind. Now, I'm not certain that I have found that person and it is very difficult to say if I have or not. But I had a moment today.
Just a simple moment.
It lasted what could have been less than a minute, but felt like it was going to go on forever.
I smelled rain, so I went over to the tele tech window to look outside and inhaled, deep and long. And that song came on the radio. My phone vibrated, and it was a message from possible said person. It all fit together so well.
I'm not really sure what to make of it. I've never wanted to be that crazy girl, because, let's face it kids, I was her once. And I never want to be her again. You hear me?! Ever again! It sucked, big time. I think about the mistakes I made and how irrational high school love and other relationships made me, and it's a damn good thing I learned from it all.
Anyway. I never want to be that girl. That girl that is constantly wanting to hear from said boy, asking where he is, what he is doing, and what he is thinking about. If you want to tell me something, tell me. No games. I don't play those anymore. Unless it's something like volleyball or soccer. That is a game I will play. But no head games. For the love of everything holy! No more head games! They mess with emotions and feelings and make one all kinds of cloudy, with torrents of tears streaming from someone's eyes. I'm done with those games.
In an effort to not be the crazy one, I don't make as much contact with this person as I have made with other guys I have dated... Mostly because those guys have made more contact with me... Recently, they have been the ones being crazy... with the overly obsessive messages, constantly wondering where I am and what I'm doing and what I'm thinking. A girl just needs some balance.
Balance? Please? I could find a picture to demonstrate what I'm trying to get at here, but quite frankly, I think you know what I mean. Can you read? Good. Because that means you understand what I'm saying. If you can't read, what the hell are you doing trying to follow the random text flowing across the screen?
That's what I thought.
Balance, people. It's not too much to ask.
Anyway.... So after not hearing from said person for a few days, I don't want to always be the one to always initiate conversation... Because it makes me feel like interest is being lost. And it may not be, because I know people have their own lives before someone else wanders their way into it. I'm not going to get in the way of that, because time is precious. For everyone. And if you can't tell, I don't want to waste that time.
So, is he losing interest? Or is he busy? I don't want to be that girl, making up nonexistent excuses for some guy who isn't genuinely interested. I don't want to be that girl.
See? Relationships, or lack of relationships are making me crazy! Damned if I do, damned if I don't. Or something. Whatever.
So back to that feeling, with the rain and the music and the vibrating phones...
It felt like I had just jumped off a cliff with a giant pool of water down below... Like I had just climbed up a mountain of red rock, convinced myself to jump off and I was already free falling. Like my arms were flailing, my legs were kicking, and I was squealing for joy as gravity took control of my body.... That moment lasts for honestly just a moment... seconds, really. But it feels like it could go on forever. Heart racing, deep breath in, stomach up in your chest and not down where it should be... The feeling right before body makes contact water?
That feeling. The feeling before the splash.
I want to see what's under the surface.
All in good time.
And....
The end. Because I'm sleepy.
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