a breath of fresh air...

It was beautiful today.

So beautiful, that if there were green leaves on the trees, birds would have been chirping. There was no need for a sweatshirt. The sun was bright and shiny, like suns are supposed to be. And the air smelled like dead leaves.

It was delicious. Scrumptious if you will.

So delicious that we decided to take Tegan for her first official hike.

"We" as in the Boy and I. The one that gave me the scuff on my shoe...

And yes, that would be him. We plan to take little nugget to the zoo tomorrow, and I couldn't be more excited.

I didn't realize how hard it was to be a single mom. I mean, I knew it was hard, but it was all I knew. I didn't know what it was like to have an extra set of hands to feed her or occupy her while I try to make lunch, or to play with her.

It is so much god damn easier.

I thought I was getting help before, and don't get me wrong, I have been getting help... But this help is different. It's like we're a little family.

WOAH MANDY! WTF DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?!?

No, boys and girls, calm down. We ARE taking things slow. It's just nice to know what that other life is like.

Okay, here's a couple more pictures from our hike today.... enjoy...

When we stumbled on this little paradise, it made me think of my childhood home... With the trees and the creek. It was beautiful! Did I say that already? I did. B. E. A. Utiful. Seriously...

And the more I looked at it, the more I noticed beautiful pictures that I could take. There were details that I took in with each breath, and each breath smelled of earth and leaves... Fall. I think I fell in love with a new season. I used to think of it as ugly. The season where everything dies, and hibernates for the winter. Trees losing their leaves and looking ugly and bare.

But no. This season, is full of warm colors and apple cider. Comfort food. Water rushing through rock beds. It smells like... Life. Nature prepares itself so that it can start anew once the snow melts. And it amazed me.

On a totally different note, want to know something crazy?

Beyond crazy.

So we come back to the house after the hike, trying to get Tegan to go to sleep, and I turn on the TV. NOTING IS ON.

Surprise.

I stop on Oprah, where I notice that people are singing Karaoke. And guess who I see?

You'll never guess because you don't know her...

Her name is Anna. We used to sing Karaoke together in Florida back at the famous Coconut Willy's! I recognized her right away by her crazy hair, and I only heard her sing for two seconds, but I knew it was her.

I had a friend on Oprah. How crazy is that?

It gets crazier. Ready? Are you sure? Okay....

Some background is needed for this.

So, once upon a time, before I moved to Florida, during my time working at Coffee Break, I started seeing this guy. His name is Scotty Lee, and he was convinced he was a comedian. I personally didn't think he was very funny, and when I went to one of his shows, you know who was in the audience? His mom and her friends. That's it.

We weren't anything serious. We hung out here and there, and I ended things pretty quickly because I realized he only wanted sex. When I told him that, he didn't fight me or try to prove me wrong. He just... left.

Okay, enough background.

I saw Scotty Lee on the news, multiple times tonight. Apparently he is wanted for child porn and for dating a minor.

SERIOUSLY.

Thank god I realized he wasn't funny. Because that just beyond creeps me out. Gross gross gross. I didn't think I ever came into contact with people like that. And the fact that I dated one? It makes me realize the world is a sick place.

BUT...

I think of the hike I had today and the person I was with, and take a deep breath....

I still smell dead leaves and it's not a bad thing. It makes me remember that there is good out there, and that I can see it even though people think it's ugly.

Scotty Lee, on the other hand.... He's yucko.

baby girl, it's cold outside...

The weather has finally developed that delicious bite that I've been craving... It's to the point now, where I can't go outside without a jacket. Jack Frost is bitting at my nose, making it turn a lovely shade of red. Granted, it is getting a little stuffy, and I have terrible headaches, but when I look outside I can't help but smile at the leaves that are changing color and the beautiful snow that has started to fall up in the mountains. I love that I have to wear slippers and sweats inside constantly to keep warm. I love that the other night, I fell asleep by a fireplace. No night lights needed! I had the warm glow and flicker from the fire (even though it is a gas fireplace... haha) lighting up the room. The picture is of Timpanogos Mountain in fall. I didn't take it, but I found it on Google. It's the mountain that is right by my house and has been glaring at me to challenge it's hike.

Our house smells like homemade apple cider and cinnamon rolls... And soon it will smell like pumpkin cupcakes! (I'm still trying to think of a good flavor of frosting to go with them, because vanilla just seems so boring!!) The apple cider smell is seriously from the mulling spices and apple juice that we have slowing boiling upstairs. And my mom just put the cinnamon rolls in the oven and it's created this brilliant combination of smells that keeps making me smile!

I have honestly never been a super huge fan of fall! But now I am! I missed having the seasons so badly, and now I have them back and never want to take them for granted again. It's true... You never really understand what you have until it's gone. I'm just one of those rare few that got to have some of it back again. And it makes me happy.

And along the lines of good news!

I finally got my ultrasound on Thursday. I sometimes am in total disbelief that I have a little human growing inside me. I saw little hands with little fingers and little feet with little toes.... I saw bones and muscles developing, and I even saw the profile. Every little detail of that ultrasound reminded me how precious life is... It's a miracle. Cells developing into tissues, that develop organs and organ systems and skeletal structures... eyelashes, hair, eyes... The ability to see and think! It all totally amazes me... Still. It's a good thing I want to be a nurse. Everyday will remind me how amazing life really is, and how something so small can have such a huge effect on other things around it. And if I were super cheesy, I would mention the seed to a sapling to a mighty oak tree thing. And I just mentioned it... Shut up, I'm pregnant. I'm allowed to be sentimental and cheesy.

Yeah, I still have some symptoms of pregnancy. Because, duh, I'm pregnant. My boobs hurt, my back aches, my feet swell up, and I have all kinds of other problems I don't need to mention. My waist is getting wider, and my old pants don't fit anymore. But it's okay now. Sure, I was really emotional and upset. I still can be. It's not always fun to feel like your going through puberty again, only there are a hell of a lot more changes going on. But again, I'm in the process of growing a child. Literally! It's developing inside my belly! Seeing those pictures and watching the video from my ultrasound makes it all so worth it. And once she's here, everything that got me to this point will seem totally worth while.

I'm struggling, sure. It's difficult, of course. But I'm doing the best I can, and I'm starting to become more comfortable and happy.

And yes, it's a little baby girl! I am so excited to finally know and have a little bit more control with my planning. I know that every single mother of a little girl, hopes that their life and relationship with their daughter will be like the seasons of Gilmore Girls. I hope that too! It would be great to have a relationship like that with my daughter. But we all know how unpredictable life, let alone girls can be. I just hope that I can give her the best life possible, and that we can both be happy and healthy.

AH! A girl! It still gets me excited and smiling every time I think about it. Knowing I'm going to have a daughter, and that the weather along with it's comforts are starting to be just how I like them for now, makes life seem even more exciting.

Now if you don't mind, I'm going to go enjoy a nice big mug of real mulled apple cider, and continue my moment of joy while I can. Happy October!

Spiced Cider

I am someone that is easily entertained...

Simple things in life make me happy. Right now, I'm extremely excited for cold weather. The leaves in the mountains have barely started to change color, and the air barely has a bite to it as the sun begins to set each night. I have never been excited for winter. I have always hated the snow, and Christmas each year seemed to upset me for whatever reason... But this year, something is different.

I can't wait for all the trees to start changing color and bring autumn romance into the air. The crisp, distinct smell that they have as they start to fall, and crunch under the feet of those walking on the street or playing in the yard, turning each one into a skeleton of what it once was. Fall is about comfort... Even though it's cold outside, people think warmth. It's roasting marshmallows various nuts on an open flame. Hot apple cider and hot chocolate. Warm colors. Red, stuffy noses and sneezes. Warm coats, and scarves and mittens. Mashed potatoes, roasted turkey and ham, and pumpkin pie.

I've NEVER liked pumpkin pie! But for some reason, this year, something is different. I can't wait for my mom to make it so I can have a bit. I can't wait to gather all my yarn and start knitting scarves. At Bath and Body Works, I was overwhelmed by different smells... Which can be really good and bad when you're pregnant. But I found one that my nose would not turn away from... Spiced Cider... My mother insisted on buying a diffuser for me so I could totally wrap myself in it. Every time I light it, it makes me so happy. Comfort smells. Of course you can't drink essential oils... you could but that would be dangerous. Just the idea of this aroma filling the air can calm my nerves, no matter how lonely I get or how many tears I've cried.

The idea of Christmas this year... I don't know what it is, but something is different. Last year was the first time I had a significant other over the holidays that actually spent time with me. Every year before that, I was alone for Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Year's.... No, wait, a couple years ago, I had my first New Year's kiss. But last year, I only spent Christmas Eve with my boyfriend, and the next morning we had to go into work and get the restaurant ready. No gifts were exchanged. All we had that night were candles, a warm bubble bath, champagne, and each other. It was so simple, but one of the most romantic nights we had together.

But the brown boot that I have been so in love with since my Junior year of high school was always gone for the holidays... spending time with his family, and calling me at midnight his time when the ball dropped to tell me he loved me. And I was okay with that. It was hard to be alone, when really he was just a phone call away. But in all the ads for winter clothes, there are couples holding hands in the snow, having snowball fights, and smiling. Sitting by a fire, with a mug of some kind of hot adult beverage, that your parents always swore was hot chocolate. I dreaded the holidays every year, because I knew he would leave. We would exchange presents before he would leave and have our own little Christmas party, and then he would be gone. Except two years ago, when he finally ended it. That was the first year he was supposed to come have Thanksgiving with my family, and he broke up with me the day before... Then I miscarried the first week of that December. The smell of this Spiced Cider made all those bad memories go away...

I don't know what it is about this year. I believe I have every reason to hate the holidays whenever they roll around. This year, I'll be more single than ever. It's the first year, I won't have anyone, and not just because we broke up days before. But the idea of snow... Snowmen. Snow angels. Snow boarding. Snowball fights. Catching snowflakes on my tongue. The sight of the mountains covered in snow. Leaves changing color. Eating warm foods by the fireside when it's really cold outside and the snow isn't fake. Scarves, hats, and warm coats. Thunderstorms and snow storms... Christmas lights... And man, I'm not religious, but Temple Square during the holidays is amazing... there are lights wrapped around every branch of every tree...

Something about this year screams magic. And it's the only time that the smell of Spiced Cider has ever gotten me this excited for anything. I'm even content spending the holidays with my family for the first time since I seriously wanted a pony from Santa for Christmas... Come to think of it, I never got that Easy Bake Oven either.