"She'll be here by tomorrow morning..."

I sat in Dr. Smith's office, naked from the waist down with a sheet wrapped around the lower half of my body, just like the last few appointments I have had with her.  This was week 38.  Two more appointments until my due date... But I was so ready to be done.  I had never been in that much pain since before I could remember, and I just wanted it to be over with.  I wanted this little person, half me and half someone I once cared about, out of my belly and in my arms.  I had never felt so ready in all my life.

My mom walked into the exam room, still in her scrubs from work.  She had been running late and came as soon as she could... It's been so nice to have her there for support, even though we don't get along all the time.  She's insisted on being there as much as she could be so that I wouldn't have to go through any little bit of it alone, because the father wasn't really around....

She had phone calls to make, so she just sat in her chair, dialed the numbers and returned phone calls from that day.  I sat on the table, swinging my swollen legs the best I could and tried to entertain myself while I waited for the doctor to come in....

My mind wandered to different things from earlier in the week... My two best friends live in two different states, and for some reason, each one felt the need to start planning what to do if I were to go into labor...  How to get a hold of them, back up plans, who to talk to first... Should they pack a bag now?  What would they need?

The conversations started out serious, and then got along the silly side...  

Wednesday:

"I have a good feeling about this weekend."

"Really?  Why's that"

"I think this would be a good weekend to have a baby!  Next weekend is not only Valentine's Day, but it's also Friday the 13th... And the weekend after that is my birthday.  I like the idea of having her this weekend..."

"I wish it was easier to predict when she would be here... I have a hard time not being able to really plan ahead the way I want to.  Maybe if I pack my bags now, she'll get the hint and decide to come now..."

Thursday:

"I'm feeling weird today... Lots of cramping.  Not to alarm anyone, I'm sure it's nothing.  I'm going to see if it will go away, and talk to the doctor about it... But I'm sure it's nothing."

"I can't go into labor tonight!  The super awesome Grey's Anatomy/Private Practice crossover episode is on and I don't want to miss it!"

And then I was sitting on the exam table, half naked.  Wondering when my little bundle of joy would decide it was time to come into the world... thinking about the conversations that I had the previous day and that particular day... And I thought about how cute the dogs were, because they wouldn't leave me alone.  They slept as close to me as possible, followed me around the house, and even guarded the bathroom door whenever I was inside, which wasn't normal... But I loved that they cuddled me that way, and gladly took advantage of the snuggle time.

I had made a list Thursday, of things I needed to get before I went into the hospital, and what I wanted to get done.... I wanted to paint Winnie the Pooh on the wall, and have the nursery totally set up.  I needed to get nursing bras...  (which I just got the other day at Target... super cheap, super comfy...)  I wanted to get games and candies... Blah blah blah

And in this thought process, I felt an intense cramp... One so bad, my mom asked if I was okay.  One that crippled me... I couldn't speak, and just focused on my breathing.  Thirty seconds later, it was gone.

But... I peered underneath the sheet covering my naughty parts.  My belly was in the way and I couldn't get a good look.  I looked up at my mom, who was still on the phone.  She looked up at me, turned her head to the side and raised an eyebrow.

I lifted the sheet up again, and turned back to her, with my thinking face on.  Then I scooted back and felt it... and raised my eyebrows when I looked back at her.  She had gotten off the phone by now and gave me a confused look.

"It's a little wet down there, and I'm pretty sure I didn't pee."

"Um... What?"

"Mom... It could just be a lot of discharge.  That's normal, right?"

She got up and looked under the sheet with me...

"Sweetie, scoot back a little more...."

I scooted my butt back a couple scoots, and more liquid came out...

"Will you grab me something to put underneath here and let the nurse know?  I think my water broke..."

She ran into the hallway and talked to Lou, the main nurse that works with my doctor.  I could hear her laughing...  "oh that's just too funny..."  I heard her say, as she walked in to see what was going on.

She stuck a little paper strip in the liquid, explaining that it would change colors if it was my amniotic fluid leaking... The strip stayed the same color....

"Hmmm...  "  She put a chuck underneath me and helped me get comfortable.  "We'll see what Dr. Smith says.  She'll be in soon."

I kept making up stories, obviously in denial.  Maybe it was this, maybe it was that...  My mom and I both knew what was going on.

Dr. Smith came in, with a smile on her face like always.  I didn't listen to much of what she said... She examined my special place, the usual business, and then she spoke again.  The only words I really heard were, "hospital, pitossin, reduce the risk of infection, baby by tomorrow morning."

"Uh... Okay.  That sounds good."

"Alright!  Well, run home and don't take too long.  I'll call the hospital and let them know that you'll be there soon."  With another smile, Dr. Smith walked out the door.

I changed back into my normal clothes, quietly.

"You're going to have a baby!"  My mom said, estatic.

I finally realized what was going on, and I started to shake a little bit.  I took a deep breath...

"It's about time!  I'm so excited!"  I sounded as cool as a summer breeze.

My water was leaking, and to reduce infection, they were admitting me into the hospital to induce me and make things move faster.  My little girl would be in my arms by tomorrow morning...  

Just keep breathing... Just keep breathing... Just keep breathing...

baby girl, it's cold outside...

The weather has finally developed that delicious bite that I've been craving... It's to the point now, where I can't go outside without a jacket. Jack Frost is bitting at my nose, making it turn a lovely shade of red. Granted, it is getting a little stuffy, and I have terrible headaches, but when I look outside I can't help but smile at the leaves that are changing color and the beautiful snow that has started to fall up in the mountains. I love that I have to wear slippers and sweats inside constantly to keep warm. I love that the other night, I fell asleep by a fireplace. No night lights needed! I had the warm glow and flicker from the fire (even though it is a gas fireplace... haha) lighting up the room. The picture is of Timpanogos Mountain in fall. I didn't take it, but I found it on Google. It's the mountain that is right by my house and has been glaring at me to challenge it's hike.

Our house smells like homemade apple cider and cinnamon rolls... And soon it will smell like pumpkin cupcakes! (I'm still trying to think of a good flavor of frosting to go with them, because vanilla just seems so boring!!) The apple cider smell is seriously from the mulling spices and apple juice that we have slowing boiling upstairs. And my mom just put the cinnamon rolls in the oven and it's created this brilliant combination of smells that keeps making me smile!

I have honestly never been a super huge fan of fall! But now I am! I missed having the seasons so badly, and now I have them back and never want to take them for granted again. It's true... You never really understand what you have until it's gone. I'm just one of those rare few that got to have some of it back again. And it makes me happy.

And along the lines of good news!

I finally got my ultrasound on Thursday. I sometimes am in total disbelief that I have a little human growing inside me. I saw little hands with little fingers and little feet with little toes.... I saw bones and muscles developing, and I even saw the profile. Every little detail of that ultrasound reminded me how precious life is... It's a miracle. Cells developing into tissues, that develop organs and organ systems and skeletal structures... eyelashes, hair, eyes... The ability to see and think! It all totally amazes me... Still. It's a good thing I want to be a nurse. Everyday will remind me how amazing life really is, and how something so small can have such a huge effect on other things around it. And if I were super cheesy, I would mention the seed to a sapling to a mighty oak tree thing. And I just mentioned it... Shut up, I'm pregnant. I'm allowed to be sentimental and cheesy.

Yeah, I still have some symptoms of pregnancy. Because, duh, I'm pregnant. My boobs hurt, my back aches, my feet swell up, and I have all kinds of other problems I don't need to mention. My waist is getting wider, and my old pants don't fit anymore. But it's okay now. Sure, I was really emotional and upset. I still can be. It's not always fun to feel like your going through puberty again, only there are a hell of a lot more changes going on. But again, I'm in the process of growing a child. Literally! It's developing inside my belly! Seeing those pictures and watching the video from my ultrasound makes it all so worth it. And once she's here, everything that got me to this point will seem totally worth while.

I'm struggling, sure. It's difficult, of course. But I'm doing the best I can, and I'm starting to become more comfortable and happy.

And yes, it's a little baby girl! I am so excited to finally know and have a little bit more control with my planning. I know that every single mother of a little girl, hopes that their life and relationship with their daughter will be like the seasons of Gilmore Girls. I hope that too! It would be great to have a relationship like that with my daughter. But we all know how unpredictable life, let alone girls can be. I just hope that I can give her the best life possible, and that we can both be happy and healthy.

AH! A girl! It still gets me excited and smiling every time I think about it. Knowing I'm going to have a daughter, and that the weather along with it's comforts are starting to be just how I like them for now, makes life seem even more exciting.

Now if you don't mind, I'm going to go enjoy a nice big mug of real mulled apple cider, and continue my moment of joy while I can. Happy October!