Enjoy....
here i am...
Here I am. Back in Utah. And I think about my life up to this point, and can't believe what got me here. I have fallen in love, fallen in love again, and possibly again, and then fallen out of it. I've been cheated on, mislead, underestimated, betrayed, hurt on purpose (and possibly on accident), backstabbed, thrown under the bus, and even left for dead. My life has been turned upside down so many times, I'm not sure what side is up anymore. But here I am. And I'm still breathing. You know why I'm here? Because I was loved back. Because someone in my life helped to lift me up. Because other people keep believing in me, loving me, and keep reminding me to breathe. I know life is worth it.
Recently something happened that made me realize how much of a miracle life really is. I'm pregnant. It's weird to see it, and even weirder to say it. Usually when it comes out of my mouth, it feels like I'm screaming it so everyone can hear. And I'm forcing myself to believe that I'm okay with it. To believe everything will be okay weather it is or not.
Last Thursday, I got my baby's first picture. I saw my baby's heart beat for the first time. I didn't believe that I was pregnant, even though there were three pregnancy tests and a doctor sitting in front of me saying that I was DEFFINATELY pregnant. Dr. Aagard put that warm jelly on my belly, and started giving me the ultrasound. I couldn't really see what anything was. There was grey blobs, and white blobs, and one really big black one. And then I saw the flutter. No one needed to tell me what that black and white flutter was. I knew right away that it was my baby's heart, still growing and changing, until he/she would turn into one or the other. And that heart would be beating for the rest of this life form's life. I saw that heartbeat, and I finally started to settle down. The miracle of life was starting to grow inside my belly. And I want to do whatever it takes to keep it.
There are so many people riding for my cause, and I'm happy that I have some hands holding me up and believing in me. Of course there are people that believe that I should not keep it... mainly the father. He can't afford child support, and doesn't want to have another child that he has no connection with, or so he says. But he also says that I'm not responsible enough or ready to have a baby. That's why I have the next 7ish months to prepare! You can never be fully ready to have a baby. But I'm going to have to try my best. The fact that he says these things, just proves that he doesn't even know who I am. I will not be underestimated again.
There were a lot of fights with my mom. At first she was okay and willing to help me, and once I moved back into her house, (I know... not fun...) she decided to go crazy and start freaking out that I had sex in the first place to get pregnant without a husband. And then went off about me not having any morals or standards. Every time I tried to stop the argument, she brought up more things. More mistakes. They aren't even mistakes, they were just things that happened that with the LDS upbringing were not approved of.
I'm making this clear. I have no regrets. Things that have happened in the past are learning experiences, and if you don't learn you can never grow. You can never live your life fully if you stay under a rock and never come up for fresh air. You have to spread your wings and fly as close to the sun as possible, without melting whatever sticky substance you used to create those wings. And it takes practice. I fell a lot, but I'm still getting up and preparing my wings for the next battle I have against the elements. And each time, I learn something new to put towards the next time. Life experience is the best way to learn about yourself. And I fully believe that you should keep on trying. Keep living. Keep breathing. Because whatever is at the end of the road isn't worth it unless you really try.
Ha ha, uber-preachy. Ah, I'm out of time. But tune in next time, where I will start to go into some detail about my adventures in Florida and what led me there.... and back. Ha.
Thank you for reading. ♥
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