Okay... So I've already said that I don't know why I keep posting blogs that are like letters to you. I know that you will never read them. Ever. Once upon a time, you used to, but I know that you won't even glance their way again. But here's another one... So here it goes.
I had another dream about you last night. Every time you creep into my sleep, your ghost follows me around for at least a week. Not fair. It makes me wonder if I have this same effect on you... if you ever dream about me, which would be a way for your subconscious to unwillingly get me into your head, because that's what it does for me. Do you ever think about me? Do you ever miss me?
Your life is so different now from what I hear. You're a totally different person. And that boy that I gave my heart to is gone. He took it and ran, giving me the seashell skeleton key only recently, and taunting me to find it again so I can unlock it and love like I've never loved before.
You have someone else, or you did last I heard. You're supposedly happy living your life under a different name than the ones that really knew you used to call you. You've changed your clothes, your personality... everything. I don't know you.
But this person that I knew keeps haunting me. The ghost of who the world once knew you as is following me around. He slips on those brown boots and walks into my mind when I'm asleep, and when I least expect it. Every time, I can feel his arms around me, I can smell that familiar smell that we used to have after hours of laying next to each other, and I can feel the warmth of his body... It's like he's right there, holding me like he used to. I wake up, and he's gone. The words that he said still echo in my head, and it will for days after the dream has happened...
"I'm okay, but I need you right now."
Is this one of the dreams that we used to have together? Back in the day, we would dream similar things... Our little boy said goodbye to you days before he left. We get this sense that something isn't right with the other person, and that's when we would reach out and finally say something... words of encouragement, or just a simple hello. But I can't do that now. I know that if I write to you, or if I try to find you, my head will get messed up all over again. I can't tell you to your face that I still love you and care about you, and that you are constantly on my mind no matter how much I beg for you to leave me alone. I can't ask if you're okay. I can't tell you in any way, shape, or form... especially if hearing from me has the same effect on you that the reverse has had on me.
I want so badly to reach out to you and start talking... be friends. But the thought of you being so different, and being with someone else... God, it tears me up inside. I wish I didn't have to write this stupid stuff to get my thoughts down. I wish I could just tell you. I wish I could slap you in the face, give you a good hearty shake, and tell you to snap out of it and go back to being you. But this new you, may be the real you. And I don't know that person.
The day before Thanksgiving marks the two year anniversary of us officially not being together. It was the final break up. The other times since then we've just talked about getting back together, and started to go through the motions... then you would disappear again. This time of year is always hard for me... It puts you on my mind.
I need to not let you get to me anymore. I may not be able to stop the dreams, but I can let them not ruin me. Right now is the time to prove to myself and to the world, including you, that I am a strong person. That my head is on straight, and that I can do anything. I need to move forward with my life and show the world I can. And I need to do it alone. I need to be as independent as possible. I can totally do it.
Everyone has that "one that got away." I wish mine wasn't you.
"Wishing You Were Somehow Here Again"
You were once my one companion
You were all that mattered
You were once a friend and father
Then my world was shattered
Wishing you were somehow here again
Wishing you were somehow near
Sometimes it seem if I just dream
Somehow you would be here
Wishing I could hear your voice again
Knowing that I never would
Dreaming of you won't help me to do
All that you dreamed I could
Passing bells and sculpted angels
Cold and monumental
Seem for you the wrong companions
You were warm and gentle
Too many years
Fighting back tears
Why can't the past just die
Wishing you were somehow here again
Knowing we must say goodbye
Try to forgive teach me to live
Give me the strength to try
No more memories no more silent tears
No more gazing across the wasted years
Help me say goodbye'.
look how cultured I am... I totally just quoted Phantom of the Opera in my blog.
So, strap on your brown boots. Stomp through my dreams. Do your worst. Torment me, torture me, and remind me what I had and lost. I'm determined to handle it and let it make me a stronger person. I will always love you. But when or if the next love comes into my life, it will be greater than anything I've ever known. I'll find my heart, and use that seashell skeleton key to unlock it. I will call FEMA and make them hurry up and repair the damage from your hurricane in a quick and efficient manner, and make some updates along the way. I will investigate the ghosts you keep throwing at me, and learn what they want me to learn. I will repair the damage done to the car that somehow crashed.
If anything, you were here to teach me a lesson. And I'm going to learn whatever it is.
Showing posts with label former lover. Show all posts
Showing posts with label former lover. Show all posts
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
seashell skeleton key...
So... I don't really understand why I keep posting my thoughts about "us" and what we were and what could never be. It's not like you're going to read them... But the thoughts are still going through my mind, and the dreams are still haunting me. And there's new ones... They are drilled into my head. It's not like the faint ghost mist that you can only capture in pictures, or a faint voice on a tape recorder that you can't hear with the naked ear... It's like your there. Right there. Following me... And sometimes I'm hunting for the evidence of what we were. I can feel you holding me and wrapping your arms around me... Sometimes it feels like this past week's episode of Grey's Anatomy. (which I'm still not so sure about, by the way...)
I go through pictures and old e-mails, and wrack my brain to try to figure out what happened and what went wrong and why we don't talk anymore. How we could be so strong one moment, and then never speak again. An e-mail out of the blue, a response to a message that I've sent you months before... Sometimes I've heard you actually reading the words to me off the screen... But sometimes, I can't hear your voice at all... They are words of a total stranger.
That drowning feeling comes back every once in a while. I can't tell if it's this little baby girl pressing on my lungs and squirming around inside of me, or if it's the memories that randomly come back. Dreams that replay in my head.... But again, it's like I try to take a breath and instead take water into my lungs. Then the water starts to leak out of my eyes... but I stop. And tell myself no. I tell myself, that the person I knew doesn't exist anymore. And people keep telling me to take you off of that gold plated pedestal that I've put you on the past few years. That you weren't always so good to me, and at times you were worst than the worst boyfriends I've ever had. And it's true. But good things happened between us as well... I've come to see the reasons I should take you down off that pedestal. But most of all, I see the reasons I've kept you up there, and why things haven't been able to work with anyone else yet.
I've compared the end of "us" to hurricanes, car crashes, drowning, and a number of other disasters... I've compared you to a ghost. And honestly, some part of you may haunt me for the rest of my life.
Every time you decided to end things, there was no warning. You would just stop talking to me. There would be a dramatic letter or e-mail, all of which I still have for whatever reason... and then silence from your end. Or no message at all. We were just done in your eyes. Talking about getting married one day, and then no response the next... Darkness. A whirlwind of emotion running through me... torture.
I talk to many people today that ask why we aren't together anymore, because we were so perfect for each other. And, as always, I would try to find out what I possibly did wrong. How I could have chased you away. Because I talked to you about being scared? Because I talked to you about my emotions? I didn't do anything wrong. It ended up not working because you didn't want it to. Because of things that someone else drilled into your head, because you were terrified of what would happen next. And you kept telling me that I was holding you back, when really, I pushed you to be who you wanted to be and do the things you wanted to do. Or so I thought. But I don't think you even knew what you wanted.
I did my best not to hold you back. I believe the reality was, that you were holding yourself back and just trying to use me as an excuse. And I will not settle for that. Never blame anyone else for your shortcomings. Never use me as an excuse for anything again. It's not my fault you didn't do your homework, that you didn't turn something in, or that you didn't go camping or whatever more often. I had nothing to do with that. You need to take responsibility for your own life... we all do.
And with the good things... I don't think anyone else has ever been able to hold me like you did. They haven't been able to give me "the look"... And it wasn't just how you looked at me. It's what I knew was behind each look. Behind your eyes, I knew you were thinking about how much you loved me and how you couldn't be without me. I knew when you would start to question things... I knew when you were stressed. I knew when you weren't okay, no matter how many times you said you were. There were simple things that you did that reminded me constantly that you loved me. Little notes written if you left before I got home, e-mails when you were too far away, the little jokes that we had. And waking up next to you after being totally intertwined in your arms for an entire night... It's the emotion I haven't been able to find anywhere. The intimacy that has been almost impossible to find since, is what I found with only you. The way you talked to me, the way you treated me... When things were good with us they were really good. I could tell you had respect for me and that you cared about me just by how you acted around me.
We had a lot of really good memories... And some really bad ones. But I want to always remember the good if I have to think about it all. I've learned a lot of lessons over the years... I have tried to love like that again, and it's so much harder the second time around. It's never seemed intense enough for me. Am I looking for something that doesn't exist? Are my standards too high? No one else has just seemed to fit with me like you once did... and I'm not looking for another "you" by any means.
Which brings me to a dream that I had a few nights ago... We were in the living room of your dad's old house. The one where we fell in love and spent hours laying in the hammock in the back yard... and the house I brought a box of your things to when we broke up... Anyway. I was sitting in that huge once white chair, the one that had the armrests almost totally ripped off. Your dad's bike was wrapped up the way you wrapped it our first pretend Christmas together. You went into his room and grabbed a bag, much like the silver one that contained green and white tissue paper and a little red box. But in this dream, the bag had a long wooden box... It looked as thought it was made out of drift wood. When I opened it, there was a key inside. And old skeleton key, with a heart for a handle, and all kinds of complicated notches at the end, and it was decorated with sea shells. I ask if it was to your heart or mine, and you said I already knew the answer... and you were gone. I sat in that chair, holding the key in my hands with my palms up, staring at it. I noted how heavy the key was, and Kings of Leon began to play... Which was really my alarm waking me up. But it was with you that I heard them for the first time... and I only recently began to listen to them again. They've been my favorite band since I first heard them, but now I can finally listen to them with out breaking down.
So I'm guessing that this was supposed to be you giving me back the key to my heart, literally and figuratively. And it's something I need to hold on to for a while. I'm not going to just give it to anyone. And I don't even know if I totally have it back yet. Like I've said before... It's not a good time for me to focus on love. It's time to focus one me and this little baby, and our future. And I fully intend on doing just that. If someone comes a long, then they do. But I'm not looking anymore. I guess it's true what they say... "When you know, you know." So far, I've known that I haven't found the right guy for me yet. And Mr. Right isn't in my life at all right now. Weather I've met him once before, or still haven't even seen his face. But he's there. Somewhere.
I need someone that makes me feel close to the same way, someone that respects me, someone that listens to my kind of music and understands the way I dance. I need someone to understand me. And accept me and all my flaws. Because flaws are what can make a person truly beautiful.
My dad has this lady he's been seeing since the divorce. It happens to be this woman who was in love with him since before he met my mother, but he didn't know about it. And now they are finally together, after over 40 years. They are so much better together than I ever imagined him with my mom. They enjoy the same things, and understand each other. They totally understand each other's dance moves. They accept each other's flaws. They fit. But it took so damn long for my dad to see it. I went to dinner at his house Monday night, and he showed me this picture he has... It's of them, the day he graduated college. And he has it next to a picture of them now. Just imagine how life would be different if he picked her instead.... I firmly believe that things happen for a reason. Maybe not everything, but the decisions we make now can lead to almost anything. If I left in March when shit hit the fan in Florida, I probably wouldn't be pregnant right now. But for some reason i chose to stay.
I don't want to wait that long to be with someone that really gets me... But I would rather be alone than be with the wrong person. I know that someone is out there for me. It's just not the right time. And once I find that person, maybe the ghost of you will finally leave me alone. I need to stop looking through the things that remind me of you. I need to get you out of my head a focus on me.
I'm glad you're happy now. Or at least I think you are. I haven't heard otherwise. But maybe, one day, we will be together again... Maybe it will be like my dad and his girlfriend. Maybe we won't ever see each other again. But right now I'm just planning life for two... and there is no guy involved. Unless he can prove to be worthy of the seashell skeleton key. And it's going to take a lot for me to give it away, if it's even mine to give.
And so begins the process of hopefully moving on... finally. Maybe it's just the time of year that drills these thoughts into my head...
I go through pictures and old e-mails, and wrack my brain to try to figure out what happened and what went wrong and why we don't talk anymore. How we could be so strong one moment, and then never speak again. An e-mail out of the blue, a response to a message that I've sent you months before... Sometimes I've heard you actually reading the words to me off the screen... But sometimes, I can't hear your voice at all... They are words of a total stranger.
That drowning feeling comes back every once in a while. I can't tell if it's this little baby girl pressing on my lungs and squirming around inside of me, or if it's the memories that randomly come back. Dreams that replay in my head.... But again, it's like I try to take a breath and instead take water into my lungs. Then the water starts to leak out of my eyes... but I stop. And tell myself no. I tell myself, that the person I knew doesn't exist anymore. And people keep telling me to take you off of that gold plated pedestal that I've put you on the past few years. That you weren't always so good to me, and at times you were worst than the worst boyfriends I've ever had. And it's true. But good things happened between us as well... I've come to see the reasons I should take you down off that pedestal. But most of all, I see the reasons I've kept you up there, and why things haven't been able to work with anyone else yet.
I've compared the end of "us" to hurricanes, car crashes, drowning, and a number of other disasters... I've compared you to a ghost. And honestly, some part of you may haunt me for the rest of my life.
Every time you decided to end things, there was no warning. You would just stop talking to me. There would be a dramatic letter or e-mail, all of which I still have for whatever reason... and then silence from your end. Or no message at all. We were just done in your eyes. Talking about getting married one day, and then no response the next... Darkness. A whirlwind of emotion running through me... torture.
I talk to many people today that ask why we aren't together anymore, because we were so perfect for each other. And, as always, I would try to find out what I possibly did wrong. How I could have chased you away. Because I talked to you about being scared? Because I talked to you about my emotions? I didn't do anything wrong. It ended up not working because you didn't want it to. Because of things that someone else drilled into your head, because you were terrified of what would happen next. And you kept telling me that I was holding you back, when really, I pushed you to be who you wanted to be and do the things you wanted to do. Or so I thought. But I don't think you even knew what you wanted.
I did my best not to hold you back. I believe the reality was, that you were holding yourself back and just trying to use me as an excuse. And I will not settle for that. Never blame anyone else for your shortcomings. Never use me as an excuse for anything again. It's not my fault you didn't do your homework, that you didn't turn something in, or that you didn't go camping or whatever more often. I had nothing to do with that. You need to take responsibility for your own life... we all do.
And with the good things... I don't think anyone else has ever been able to hold me like you did. They haven't been able to give me "the look"... And it wasn't just how you looked at me. It's what I knew was behind each look. Behind your eyes, I knew you were thinking about how much you loved me and how you couldn't be without me. I knew when you would start to question things... I knew when you were stressed. I knew when you weren't okay, no matter how many times you said you were. There were simple things that you did that reminded me constantly that you loved me. Little notes written if you left before I got home, e-mails when you were too far away, the little jokes that we had. And waking up next to you after being totally intertwined in your arms for an entire night... It's the emotion I haven't been able to find anywhere. The intimacy that has been almost impossible to find since, is what I found with only you. The way you talked to me, the way you treated me... When things were good with us they were really good. I could tell you had respect for me and that you cared about me just by how you acted around me.
We had a lot of really good memories... And some really bad ones. But I want to always remember the good if I have to think about it all. I've learned a lot of lessons over the years... I have tried to love like that again, and it's so much harder the second time around. It's never seemed intense enough for me. Am I looking for something that doesn't exist? Are my standards too high? No one else has just seemed to fit with me like you once did... and I'm not looking for another "you" by any means.
Which brings me to a dream that I had a few nights ago... We were in the living room of your dad's old house. The one where we fell in love and spent hours laying in the hammock in the back yard... and the house I brought a box of your things to when we broke up... Anyway. I was sitting in that huge once white chair, the one that had the armrests almost totally ripped off. Your dad's bike was wrapped up the way you wrapped it our first pretend Christmas together. You went into his room and grabbed a bag, much like the silver one that contained green and white tissue paper and a little red box. But in this dream, the bag had a long wooden box... It looked as thought it was made out of drift wood. When I opened it, there was a key inside. And old skeleton key, with a heart for a handle, and all kinds of complicated notches at the end, and it was decorated with sea shells. I ask if it was to your heart or mine, and you said I already knew the answer... and you were gone. I sat in that chair, holding the key in my hands with my palms up, staring at it. I noted how heavy the key was, and Kings of Leon began to play... Which was really my alarm waking me up. But it was with you that I heard them for the first time... and I only recently began to listen to them again. They've been my favorite band since I first heard them, but now I can finally listen to them with out breaking down.
So I'm guessing that this was supposed to be you giving me back the key to my heart, literally and figuratively. And it's something I need to hold on to for a while. I'm not going to just give it to anyone. And I don't even know if I totally have it back yet. Like I've said before... It's not a good time for me to focus on love. It's time to focus one me and this little baby, and our future. And I fully intend on doing just that. If someone comes a long, then they do. But I'm not looking anymore. I guess it's true what they say... "When you know, you know." So far, I've known that I haven't found the right guy for me yet. And Mr. Right isn't in my life at all right now. Weather I've met him once before, or still haven't even seen his face. But he's there. Somewhere.
I need someone that makes me feel close to the same way, someone that respects me, someone that listens to my kind of music and understands the way I dance. I need someone to understand me. And accept me and all my flaws. Because flaws are what can make a person truly beautiful.
My dad has this lady he's been seeing since the divorce. It happens to be this woman who was in love with him since before he met my mother, but he didn't know about it. And now they are finally together, after over 40 years. They are so much better together than I ever imagined him with my mom. They enjoy the same things, and understand each other. They totally understand each other's dance moves. They accept each other's flaws. They fit. But it took so damn long for my dad to see it. I went to dinner at his house Monday night, and he showed me this picture he has... It's of them, the day he graduated college. And he has it next to a picture of them now. Just imagine how life would be different if he picked her instead.... I firmly believe that things happen for a reason. Maybe not everything, but the decisions we make now can lead to almost anything. If I left in March when shit hit the fan in Florida, I probably wouldn't be pregnant right now. But for some reason i chose to stay.
I don't want to wait that long to be with someone that really gets me... But I would rather be alone than be with the wrong person. I know that someone is out there for me. It's just not the right time. And once I find that person, maybe the ghost of you will finally leave me alone. I need to stop looking through the things that remind me of you. I need to get you out of my head a focus on me.
I'm glad you're happy now. Or at least I think you are. I haven't heard otherwise. But maybe, one day, we will be together again... Maybe it will be like my dad and his girlfriend. Maybe we won't ever see each other again. But right now I'm just planning life for two... and there is no guy involved. Unless he can prove to be worthy of the seashell skeleton key. And it's going to take a lot for me to give it away, if it's even mine to give.
And so begins the process of hopefully moving on... finally. Maybe it's just the time of year that drills these thoughts into my head...
car crash...
I'm staring back
into the twisted metal
of our car crash romance...
my broken body
is intertwined with yours
and the steel frame
of what we once were.
Were we reckless?
Did we stray from our goal?
How did we end up... here?
Too fast? Too slow?
Maybe it's too late to know now...
This image I have that depicts "us"...
does it mean "us" will never happen again?
Are "we" too damaged...
no, too destroyed to ever happen again?
Was it suicide? Was it intentional? Was it an accident?
If I drive by myself, will the same thing happen?
Do we, or maybe more importantly for now, I, have any chance of recovery?
There is only one way to know... hopefully it will be worth it if I am ever broken again.
Make the repairs that need to be made... don't half ass it. Get new parts, learn new tricks. Hope for the best, but expect the worst. And if one day, that engine begins to turn again, and roar to life, the hard work will totally be worth it. A smile will come across my face, and I'll know that I can make it through anything, yet again. I'll just have to make sure that no one rides in the car with me, and I don't hitch a ride from someone else until I know it's safe...
And if my car runs again, at least gas prices have started to go down... ;) but let's still make this a fuel efficient model. The less we have to rely on others, the better. No matter how good or bad the economy is.
Wow, I'm tired... We'll save more for another night.
into the twisted metal
of our car crash romance...
my broken body
is intertwined with yours
and the steel frame
of what we once were.
Were we reckless?
Did we stray from our goal?
How did we end up... here?
Too fast? Too slow?
Maybe it's too late to know now...
This image I have that depicts "us"...
does it mean "us" will never happen again?
Are "we" too damaged...
no, too destroyed to ever happen again?
Was it suicide? Was it intentional? Was it an accident?
If I drive by myself, will the same thing happen?
Do we, or maybe more importantly for now, I, have any chance of recovery?
There is only one way to know... hopefully it will be worth it if I am ever broken again.
Make the repairs that need to be made... don't half ass it. Get new parts, learn new tricks. Hope for the best, but expect the worst. And if one day, that engine begins to turn again, and roar to life, the hard work will totally be worth it. A smile will come across my face, and I'll know that I can make it through anything, yet again. I'll just have to make sure that no one rides in the car with me, and I don't hitch a ride from someone else until I know it's safe...
And if my car runs again, at least gas prices have started to go down... ;) but let's still make this a fuel efficient model. The less we have to rely on others, the better. No matter how good or bad the economy is.
Wow, I'm tired... We'll save more for another night.
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