I'll jump, I swear!

So... Here's the thing.

I'm falling. Hard and fast. And this is the part where I usually realize that there is a big huge rock in the murky water that I have decided to plummet towards, head first. I have hit this rock many times before and even though I keep trying to dive into different areas of this supposedly bottomless lake, I keep hitting the same damn sharp jagged rock. It's painful. Every time, it hurts and I keep forgetting why I was hesitant to jump in again.

It's the falling. It's the butterflies in my stomach as my limbs flail in the air and my heart jumps into my throat. It's the feeling that I'm flying. It's the air rushing past me on the way down... The adrenaline rush. It's all the stuff that happens before I hit the water.

That being said...

I have a tendency to feel like I'm not the first choice. I offer exes that I used to love with my whole heart second chances, only to have them tell me that they love someone else - after saying they wanted the second chance. I pour my heart out to someone who says they want to be with me and believe that I really want to be with them, only to have them either not be who I thought they were or run into the arms of someone else.

I am not the type to jump up and down and say "PICK ME!!" but that's what I really want to do. I am the person that wants the people I care about to be happy, even if it isn't with me. Someone told me that it isn't a matter of picking me... It's a matter of ruling out the "what if". Which is a very nice way to reject me with out rejecting me. Even though you are trying to make it seem like I'm not second choice, you kind of just did. Because if you wanted to be with me, you would just suck it up and do it already and quit with the lame excuses.

But, it makes sense... in a very sick and twisted way. I kind of understand wanting to rule out the "what if"... Make sure it really isn't going to work out... I can understand that. But I don't want to wait. I don't want to get my hopes up that someone will treat me the way I want to be treated and freaking deserve to be treated, and then realize that they didn't pick me. That all the pretty promises and sweet things they were saying were nothing more that just pretty words and beautiful lies. So many guys I have dated have talked about all of these amazing things they want to do with me, and the NEVER follow through. They talk about having families, and all these wonderful things in life that I want. And then they run. I'm already free-falling, and they're slowing backing away from the ledge.

I'm that girl. I'm the girl that is ready to jump in for the right guy. I strip down to nothing, leaving a trail of myself to the edge before I plummet. I expose myself down to my bare naked soul and flaunt my imperfections to have the one that was supposed to run and jump with me head the other direction.

I think about the current person, and my heart wants to jump out of my throat. I forget how to breathe. I can not stop eating. I keep going through this pattern, and I'm sick of it.

How the hell do I find the right guy and know that it is worth it? Because all of the "Mr. Right-Guy-He-Could-Possibly-Be-The-One-I-Spend-Forever-Withs" haven't lived up to their names so far.

I want someone who isn't afraid to be with me.
I want someone who will treat me like I am the last girl they will love all their life.
I want someone that will do little things to remind me all the time that they love me.
I want someone to make me their first choice.
I want someone that loves me as much as I love them, and not in a creepy sort of way.
I want someone that will be totally intertwined with me the entire night, and won't wake up all the way on the other side of the bed.
I want someone who understands that I am my own person and will let me live my life.
I want someone who knows that we can add to each other's happiness, and not the sole source of joy.
I want someone that will take me as I am.
I want someone that will love me beyond the rest of my life.
I want someone who will love my daughter as much as I do.
I want someone willing to bring me coffee in the morning when I'm having a rough day.

Is it too much to ask? Did I lose people there? Am I really that complicated?

I've tried the dating thing. Back to knitting to give myself a mental break... Clear my head. But when the time is right, I'm ready. Bare naked, at the edge of a very high cliff, my chipped pedicure toenails curling over the edge and ready to jump.

Catch me.