deep breaths and big steps

Ah, the little booger is sick. It's been a rough couple of days. She's had a pretty good fever almost constantly, and last night it spiked at about 103. She's never had one that high. And after two trips to the doctor and having her throw up all over my bed, they said to just ride it out and that she would be fine.

She finally slept for a couple hours, and had a fun time keeping me up last night and all day today... Thank goodness I got someone to switch shifts with me so I can stay and make sure she's okay tomorrow. I can hear her stirring in the other room, whimpering and whining... It breaks my little heart. She can't really tell me what's wrong, but I know she's not feeling good. Having her snuggle up to me is one of the best parts about taking care of her. Even though I hate that she's sick, it's nice to feel her breathing on my chest like she used to when she was tiny tiny.

In other news.... I've been insanely productive with different projects. I finished a pillow that is going to match my massive quilt that I'm working on. Like... Massive. Anyway, the pillow says "not every story begins with 'Once upon a time' but they all deserve a chance at 'Happily ever after.'" Cute, right? I thought so. I've had it stuck in my head. I'm ready to get to happily ever after already, but I don't want to miss out on the journey there...

That said, another project I've taken on, is my mom's old scrap book from the summer of 1963, when she traveled around Europe with BYU. It has been so fun to read different letters she got from friends and family while she traveled around from Amsterdam to France, Berlin, and Ireland. She kept random things like napkins and envelopes, and even toilet paper (some of it was like wax paper... seriously.) It's been great to look at it all. And the thing was falling apart, even though it was all glued in with rubber cement. I should post some pictures of that... It's pretty interesting.

I'm still working on putting together Tegan's scrapbook. But that will be a constant work of progress. This first one is just going to be about her first year, and the others will be more spread out.... I love being productive. It beats doing what I've been doing since I came home.

Oh, and school starts freakin MONDAY! It can't come soon enough. I'm so so so so so so excited! I think I have my schedule nailed down... I've signed up for four, but I keep changing my mind on the last one. I'm going to keep it and see how it goes. It will feel so nice to crack open some books and fill the empty space between my ears with something useful for a change... I still have to get my ID and actually buy my books, but I can do all that after my first day of classes.

And I have another errand to do after I do all that... I'm picking up my stuff from a friend's house. I left a bunch of my things with her when I moved to Florida, hundreds of dollars worth of stuff and told her she could use it while I was gone, thinking when I came back I could get it all back. But she thought because it had been so long since I let her use it, that I had actually given it to her. I don't want all of it back, there are just things I need, and I'm trying to move out. I can't afford to spend a ton of money on all these different things that I had already bought and let someone use. She went off to Africa for a semester abroad, and I tried to get the stuff before she left, but things were bad with her parents so I didn't push it too much, because I knew I could get it all back when she came home. Anyway.... Either way the friendship is toast, because she's mad that I even asked for everything back in the first place. But I didn't need the stuff before, and if I had just left it with my parents, it would just be sitting in their basement. So why not let someone that needed it use it until I needed to use it again. But that's the thing, I needed to use it again. I'm trying to raise a baby and get out on my own, and I need my stuff to do it. Did she think I was going to just let her keep everything and only take back my shoebox of memories? Does that make sense to anyone? Why on earth would I let her keep everything besides a shoebox full of random crap to the normal person? Whatever...

What sucks, is she was there when people kept taking advantage of me while I was in Florida and while I was back here. And she was one of the first people to comment on people taking advantage of my kindness, two specific times in Florida and a few times since I've been home, and now look what she's doing? If I get the stuff back, she'll be mad about giving it to me. If I don't get it back, I'll be upset and feel taken advantage of. Damned if I do, damned if I don't. I'm glad that I stood up for myself. That took a lot of guts. And my person was totally there for me....

I'm thinking of a lot of ideas for tattoos. I've been itching to get something... I want to get Tegan's handprint for sure on my shoulder, because she always pats me in the same place. And I want to get seagulls in a snowstorm, but I don't know where that will go. And some more things on my wrist. Number one goal, is to get the flowers on my side fixed. I hate them right now, and if this stuff is going to be on my body forever, I want it to look good....

But... It is way past my bedtime... So I'm off to la la land while the little monster is still asleep.

So this is the New Year?

I'm liking the New Year so far! Yeah, it's only day two... But we need to start off positive. Right? Right.

Look at me? Posting a blog within a week of the last one! I'm amazingly amazing. Go 2010!

Did you say that, "two thousand ten" or "twenty ten"? Like it matters. Potato, potahto.

I've been so great at taking a little me time every night before I go to bed. It has really helped a lot. It makes me feel like I have myself back, if that makes sense. I'm also making my bed in the morning and straightening up my room. It's a self esteem boost... And if I do it, it makes it easier to do it for my patients when I go into their room... Because little things like that seem to help. But you don't know until you do it.

Let's see... What else....

Ah! I recently sent a ridiculous post to Zach Braff on Facebook. Pretty funny actually. Something about how we should get hitched and that I meant it in a not creepy way. But I said something about it on Facebook one day and decided I had to go through with it to see if he would even say it. Guaranteed he won't say, "Heck yes! That would be amazing! You are the exact woman I've been looking for!" But you never know unless you try. Seriously. I did it. You can look it up and see. If he even acknowledges my existence.... But it would be pretty cool if he said something.

On the note of being with someone and getting hitched...

Not happening any time soon. Got your hopes up? Maybe? If it did, you haven't been reading my posts very well... Go back this instant! Or something.

No, but seriously.... My mind is totally conflicted on the subject. As much as I would love to spend the rest of my life with someone and feel loved, I don't feel like it will happen any time soon. I'm not ready. I want to be, and I want to find someone I'm head over heels for, and maybe that will happen one day, but I don't feel it right now. I feel like I'm madly in love with someone that doesn't even exist anymore. And, yes... I still think about this same freaking person every freaking day at least once. And it still hurts.

But my heart is still beating and I'm still breathing... So that must mean that there is something better for me out there. If not, that's okay too. At least once upon a time I was loved the way I wanted to be loved. I'm one of the lucky ones that got to have it once. That's the whole reason I still wear the ring. Yeah it makes me think of him, but it makes me think more of the way that he loved me. I'm not wearing it in an obsessive way. I'm not wearing it because there is no need to waste diamonds. I'm wearing it because when I get sad and I feel totally alone, I look at it and remember the good things. I remember holding someone and never wanting to let go. I remember the emotions that came with wanting to spend forever with someone, a certain someone. Knowing a love like the love I knew once upon a time should be enough.

So here's the thing with the battle in my head... I want all that feeling and emotion back. I don't want all the crap I had before. I don't want to put myself through all that again, because it hurts worse than any other pain I felt before. Losing it once, sucks. Really bad. But at one point you get used to it and just let it be. You get used to hoping for the best and expecting the worst. Which isn't always a bad thing. The thought of being with a certain someone makes my heart soar. But at the same time... I want to know I can be on my own when I need to be. I know I don't need someone else. But I want someone there so badly.

I was literally sobbing in my car on the way home the other night. A song came on and just triggered something on the drive home, and before I knew it, tears were streaming down my face. His brown boots had come stomping through my head again, and he was stuck in there. He's been tromping around ever since.

I want happily ever after now. Not in a few years. I'm tired of waiting for it to come my way. I don't want to date anymore. It sucks. Big time. I want to be to the part where someone is in my bed every night and no matter how hot it gets, we are totally intertwined all night long. I want someone that smiles when they see me every morning, and someone that makes my heart skip beats, in a good way. Someone who cares for me and shows it. Someone that makes me forget Brown Boot, or Brown Boot himself. But I need to make sure I can be happy alone too... And right now I seem to be doing okay....

So do I overly focus on myself? Do I take a bunch of credit hours and focus on work and school and the baby? Happily ever after will come when it's time for me to have it, I guess... But I can't make myself too unavailable, because then it will never happen.

I'm just tired of hurting every day... It doesn't help that I met a bunch of his fraternity friends on New Year's that my person and her manly man hosted. It was a great party, and I had a lot of fun... And every one kept talking about how great he was and how he is such a good guy... And they kept asking me what went wrong and what it was like to be with him... And that just got me going again. It was amazing to be with him, and I don't know what went wrong.... But to be with him for the rest of my life? To be with someone like him even? I'd give almost anything... If we could be together and happy. That's all I want. Is happiness.

The party was good too... I had a lot of fun with my person and all the friends that they had there. It was so good to get out and be me for one night. I don't get out much... I work and take care of the little one. And I love it. But once in a while, I need me time, and time with friends. Balance is key.

So here are the resolutions for this next year... or for the rest of my life, really.

Focus on happiness

Find "true love" once again

Make sure I get "me" time

Get enough time with Tegan

Move out

Work on school

Never forget what happiness really is...

I miss him like crazy still... How many years now? Seriously? Make it stop. I start of yet another New Year with him on the brain... and in that sense, it's just like every other year since I've known him. I can hear that song by Death Cab playing in my head at the current moment.... New Year something bla bla bla? That one.

Should we come up with a high note for this one? I'll pick middle C. The End.